What do I even do anymore

i am new to being aware of my ADHD and trying to unmask a bit where it's acceptable to do so. i don't know what to call it when i have been suffering more psychic pain than usual from ADHD.

for example, i yelled at my stepfather yesterday and when i apologize to him today i want to communicate that i've been struggling with being overstimulated and badly regulating my emotions for four or five days and i yelled at him partially because of that stress. usually i would just say i've been "feeling like shit" but how could i communicate the idea of like, an "episode" of adhd to him?

also, for him i don't really expect him to understand, i'm just hoping he'll accept my apology. how would you communicate the same idea with words to a partner or loved one who is actually on board with trying to understand your adhd?

thanks <3

I have been having a really tough time with emotional regulation for several months. Every slight irritation feels like fucking nails on chalkboard, where something like buying the wrong thing at the store and not noticing until I get home might make me want to scream and throw things. I don't, but a lot of the time with annoyances I just loudly swear as kind of a pressure release and when it's really bad Ive been white knuckling it so as not to hit myself or throw shit. Normally I just let out a loud "FUCK" or "GOD DAMNIT". Not screaming, but much louder than I talk

My partner is from a normal healthy family so me raising my voice or just exasperatedly saying "fuck", not at him, but at the thing, is really upsetting to him. I don't see the big deal because my mother is a fucking cyclone of screaming and chaos so I'm very tame in comparison. But, I know it's something I need to try to control, I guess, but I feel like I can't. It's just an instinctive reaction, especially when there are a couple mistakes/annoyances stacked on eachother.

Any advice if you struggle with this? I go to therapy and my therapist sucks so thats not helpful right now

So a few weeks ago i had a bout with a close friend of mine (autistic nb) who lashed at me because i wasn't supportive enough when they had a rough patch. I agree with this assessment mostly but pointed out to them that as im autistic i couldnt read the room and i was shut down that this is exactly a lot of autistic man's way to make excuses for not putting in any effort to improve their communication.

After that i did a bit of self exploration and i did recognize that i do actually have problems with this (though with reservations that aren't relevant here) and i feel like while most things i am completely able to communicate assertively and even proactively and have been praised for my emotional intelligence multiple times but this communication thing to me still feels like i am just playing cards in my head and my deck is completely unprepared for this scenario - someone going through it and needing support.

So does anyone have any resources (books/articles/anything i can read mostly cause im not a video person) i can start on this?

I struggle to do things in silence. Earlier today, I was unable to cook for almost thirty minutes because I couldn't find something to listen to. Like I didn't start until I could find something to settle on.

Before starting something, I usually try to check in with someone or I'll start up a chat. I don't have the bandwidth to long.

Other times I'll have my laptop with a document on one side of the screen with a movie on the other. With a switch nearby, my phone in my hand, and I'm trying to eat a meal.

I have these rich fantasy worlds I'll daydream in. Like legit world building where I need things to make sense.

It feels like I'm distracting myself from my life sometimes. I'm not in a great place, and I know I'd start tasks when I'm stressed. Sometimes I'll drop make plans and then drop them immediately. Other times I'll freeze and stall before making a decision.

On one hand, I think this is a form of dissociation, given my trauma history. I'm just disengaged and I don't feel motivated to take action.

I also think it might be autism. I'll let myself get lost in rabbit holes that interest me and I'm very particular.

I also don't know if this is adhd. The multitasking and keeping busy feel in line. I struggled to pay attention in school, but I don't know if that was stress or something else.

I feel a lot of shame around this and wonder if these are traits of narcissism. I'm absent minded with being on time for other people, and I feel like using people distract myself is wrong.

I'm asking this because I want to properly identify how my actions may be read so that I can communicate better. Any literature, feedback, or advice is welcome.

Hi all, I have autism, not ADHD (as far as I know), and I have some big issues when I'm waiting for things to happen. Like, say I have to go out at 5pm. I wake up at 10am, but I can't do anything all day because I'm waiting for the thing at 5pm to happen.

Anyone have similar experience/tips?

I’ve read about it, I think I get it in theory, but most of the time when I meditate it’s less “mindful” and more just “me trying to pay attention to things.” I’m watching my breath, or the feeling of my body, or whatever, but I’m not “mindful” of it, except maybe in brief flashes.

Am I just really bad at mindfulness and need a ton of practice? Is this just me underestimating how much practice I’ll need?

If you’ve tried meditating, how did it go for you?

I have seen the quoted take unironically upvoted here on Hexbear

I get that it's normal to do this because it's more polite, especially for when it's a constructive criticism, but it means that when you say "a little bit" it's unclear that you actually mean it.

Half the pharmacies in town are refusing to dispense my sister's lisdexamfetamine prescription because she doesn't have an existing "maintenance prescription" with that pharmacy.

They (presumably) don't want any patients who receive only a controlled substance from them for fear of the DEA accusing them of being a pill mill.

What if someone doesn't have any other prescriptions? Or they do but their regular pharmacy is out of stock? Every year it's some new bullshit.

I struggle even feeling like I deserve trying to improve. I'm so convinced I'm a horrible worthless person. Every memory is tinged by hate. I'm not even sure there's anything wrong with me mentally. I think this is the logical conclusion to a lifetime of misery and suffering. I'm relatively convinced that I actually am irredeemable and deserve death.

How do I stop feeling this way? Should I?

I fucking hate these people so much.

Sourced from https://neurodivergentinsights.com/ They got a lot of useful information about a variety of things, definitely recommend checking them out!

Autists will be one of the first in the camps it seems. In fact, getting out of America should strongly be considered

I have ADHD. That’s a certain. Officially diagnosed, on the process of finding medication and titration.

Although the doc I was meeting who was conducting the ADHD tests and a few followups, took account my traits and the answers to the ADHD questionnaire, which suggests AuDHD in their experience.

I read many AuDHD accounts and blogs online. Their story always lines up really well with mine.

I am of the opinion that the label does not matter in terms of practicality. A “what helps, helps” kind of motto. But I do feel a bit disingenuous when I say I am autistic to people since I didn’t get a second opinion or anything.

Any experiences and thoughts on this? Is there is any concrete benefits if I were to seek out an official Autism diagnosis aswell?

this might be more vent-ish and long winded than i intended it to be so i might eventually delete but i desperately need to get it off my chest somewhere and to people who might Get It ?

That is all, but I do know it feels like imprisonment

I missed the last one

I'm getting an ADHD assessment soon and I've been sent a blood pressure monitor. I did a test just now and it came up 144/97 which is apparently high (stage 1 or 2 hypertension depending on the diagram you check).

I was caffeinated at the time so I'm gonna try tomorrow but I'm curious what my target mmHg should be for when I'm making changes to my health.

Side note but if I'm regularly getting to stage 2 hypertension to barely keep focus at work and crash shortly after then maybe that's a good example of why unmedicated ADHD lowers your life expectancy

alt-text: [Words in yellow text. One says"intro to ableist language". They are next to the disabled pride flag and on a digital art wooden background with a grey table in the bottom left corner]

How can I be better liked in communities? I put myself out there, I go to hobby groups and various other social groups all the time, but it's really been feeling like most communities I'm in, at best, I'm someone you talk to for a bit until the people you actually want to see show up or can talk to you. Or if I'm in a group conversation, I'm slowly pushed out. That's if people talk to me at all. I rarely feel valued in any group, I mostly feel like filler. How can I be better liked?

This whole week has been nothing but me being ignored and nobody even acknowledging my existence. On Tuesday, I went to a social event for a community I often go to, and that was a complete bust. People just spoke with their small groups and weren't open to outside people and didn't mingle. OK, so the next day, I went to my dance class/social. Nobody really even acknowledged me, I saw everyone ignore me. Group conversations without me.

Today, I was supposed to go to the Art Museum with a friend. She was making it up to me after a miscommunication during a recent planned group thing at a new place, in which I didn't get the right plan, leaving me alone, waiting for the group for almost an hour, which never showed up. She wanted to make it up to me, but then today, she told me that she's canceling it because she isn't in a good place emotionally. But she didn't say anything more about that, and didn't even offer any alternate dates. Then by the time I went to another dance thing tonight, I was far too down from everything that happened to even have any real interactions with anyone.

Does anyone actually care about me? I think that if I were to suddenly die in my apartment, nobody would notice. Nobody would check on me, so nobody would notice until the police are called to evict me for not paying rent. And even then, none of my friends or groups would know unless someone just reads the obituaries for some reason.