Reading material on how to structure a romantic relationship with autism? (lemmygrad.ml)

submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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(guess I should set up pronouns, but since it's very relevant here I'm a cis man irl and the partners are usually women)

I'm starting to interact with a person in a way that may lead to another romantic relationship, but I feel I haven't exactly found the solutions of the issues I had with the last one.

Long Explanation

Basically I'm, at times, an extremely reclusive autistic person. I like vanishing from all forms of non-professional contact for days at a time, hyperfocusing on my pet projects to the detriment of whatever social life I'm supposed to be "enjoying" and overall just being left alone sometimes.

But I also enjoy company and all the other normal romantic relationship stuff, in their specific time slots. In particular, I also really like the idea of having enough intimacy to have a continuous understanding with another person without the whole question of "how do I summarise the whole background story?" I have with colleagues and close acquaintances.

The problem I've had in the past is that it's generally assumed that, as relationships become more serious, people will start living together, as it's convenient for the relationship but also a great financial decision. But I find the practice of living with another person incredibly stressing, to the point of ruining otherwise pretty good relationships.

Other than that, I also have a bunch of issues with verbal communication which are frustrating (to me, partners never complained) when I have to talk to somebody frequently.

And the worst part is that I simply can't do "consoling". I have no idea what I'd have to do if, for instance, a partner's family member died or some other unactionable tragedy happened. I can't just reply to "my mother died" with "oh yeah, I thought it'd happen some time" like my brain wants me to.

<\end explanation>

I am fine with continuing the volcel lifestyle, but I've seen enough autistic people having stable relationships to wonder if maybe it's possible to do this in way that respects my specific brain quirks.

I like reading theory, anybody have some theory on autistic relationship building rather than the usual communist stuff?

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[-] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

There's a chapter on it in Gillan Drew's An Adult With an Autism Diagnosis: A Guide for the Newly Diagnosed. The author is autistic, and so is his wife.

Libgen

Edit -

I really appreciated the end of this paragraph.

We can have a similarly different understanding of romantic relationships. People with autism can think that the only difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship is that in the former, you have sex. This makes sense from a purely quantitative view, but it misses the point that sexual relationships are meant to be deeper, more intimate and emotional, than friendships. We can fail to understand that the other person wants us to ask how their day was, and to make them feel special and significant, and all the things that neurotypical people often expect as a matter of course. We often don’t spontaneously share our thoughts, experiences and emotions with the other person as is common in a romantic relationship, and can come across as careless of the other person’s needs. It is not that we dismiss the other person’s needs – it is that sometimes we aren’t even aware that they have needs, and so are blissfully unaware that we are omitting to do something. Furthermore, we think that loving someone is enough, and don’t realize we have to outwardly demonstrate that love. For example, I found with my girlfriends, and now with my wife, that women in relationships require occasional ‘love tokens’ in the form of gifts of flowers or love notes to emphasize that you love them. From an intellectual point of view, I struggle to understand how spending money on flowers that will be dead in a few days is more an expression of love than the fact that I’m married to her, but such outward demonstrations are something we can learn how to do.

See also the chapter "At Home With Autism," which discusses common problems with housemates / partners living together / etc.

[-] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

That book looks really interesting! Will take a look, thanks!

[-] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

People with autism can think that the only difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship is that in the former, you have sex.

While not my own view, it seems like such a fucking valid one to have when that’s how it portrayed to you in popular culture and what not. I mean, there are literally apps with millions of users that basically use the terms “dating” and “hooking up” interchangeably

this post was submitted on 20 Jan 2024

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