this post was submitted on 16 Nov 2023
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How come such people don't understand that they might need help, professional help?
Is it shame or they don't understand there might be a serious problem?
I am/was in a similar situation. Getting better is such an insurmountable thing when you're there. When things have been so bad for so long that they're not just normal but comfortable in a terrible way, just telling a friend about it is extremely difficult to do. Even if you can gather together the will to try to seek out professional help, you probably won't keep it long enough to actually make that far. And, some part of you that you're desperately trying to keep quiet is telling you that if getting help is that easy then you've just wasted your life laying around being helpless and useless and shitty when it could have been better and that's something else weighing down the "kill yourself" side of the scale. You've been accepting it and coping with it for so long that it's the only future you can ever see yourself having.
Yep, this is likely what you're working on in therapy - the sadness and disappointment and maybe even depression that come after complaining and people do not support you or meet your needs. You were placed in a really unfair (ETA: and probably overwhelming and stressful) situation- raising yourself and your brother without people helping you. I'm sending you an electronic hug, Internet stranger.
I don’t have the full answer for you.
I will say that healing is not a switch to be flicked, but a process (often painstakingly long). And one of the first steps in that process is being very realistic with ourselves about what problems we have, how they are affecting us, and where they come from. In this sense, talking about them is very relevant.
That really sucks... wish you got the support you deserved/hope you get the support you need...
I don't know you as well as your therapist and it might sound kinda dumb, but have you tried anything like yoga? Even small things like passing a ball back and forth with someone can put you into your body and out of your mind, hopefully letting you relax a bit, which might help your mind on average be more calm.
It must have been very difficult.
Complaining could be a start? Maybe a better start world be to just do something that's risky. I don't know. There is no reason to live in pain like that.
Maybe change your therapist. Because it is possible to be happy, it is possible to go beyond yourself and get to experience what you want. It's possible. Are you afraid, or too ashamed to try to change.
At least try to find out why you are doing things you are doing.
I think a lot of them don't believe therapy can change anything about their situation.
They don't think it has anything to do with their mental health. They believe that them being lonely, unwanted and unworthy of love is just the natural state of things and all they can do is learn to cope with it. And as long as they can function and get by most days, that's as good as it will ever get for them. So in their logic, therapy makes no sense because there's nothing to improve.
The very low default state of being is very accurate. It's how you survive when things are that bad, you can't hope things will get better because that won't happen and it will only push you lower than you already were when you inevitably give that hope up again. You are incapable of being close to people, because it's just not possible to support you. You'll just end up dragging them down. Trying to find a relationship is just not something you're capable of, and yet you still resent the loneliness. You either blame yourself and the depression gets worse, or you blame the people you couldn't have a relationship with anyways because you can't try and really go down the road to inceldom.
It's not like most people going through this are unaware of their mental health problems. It's just that the thought patterns you're stuck in keep you stuck in them. Getting help seems like a herculean task, and you will never have the strength to attempt it.
Probably the biggest one is cost for therapy (or waiting lists, scheduling, paperwork, transportation/distance, or thinking it's not gonna do much especially if they have other untreated issues).
And get help where? I have different issues which I even have a proper diagnosis for and even then no therapist will even put me on a waiting list. The few times I have gotten in to see a therapist I only got a few sessions before they all basically started shoving me out the door. I'm mostly functional and not actively suicidal so I'm just not a priority. They all have people with worse issues that need to be helped so I'm at the bottom of the triage list. OOP is working, excercising, and socializing. They're even more functional than I am. No therapist is going to so much as give them the time of day if my experience is anything to go by.
I don't know in what state psychological help is where you live, but today the are more options for that than ever before. But yeah I'm sure it's difficult.
I'm in the US and actually in a state where medical care is literally world class (I live less than an hour from the Mayo Clinic) so I'm probably even more lucky than most people as far as options go.
A lot of the issue is what insurance will cover. I can't afford to pay a couple hundred dollars out of pocket every week to talk to a therapist. But the options my insurance covers also just so happen to be the options everyone elses insurance covers so they are all booked solid with people who are in far more critical condition than me. In general there just aren't enough therapists to go around so those that are available need to focus where they are most needed first. I get that. It's literally no different than hospital triage. It's just hard not to see it as being told that your issues aren't bad enough that anyone cares. Or even worse, maybe you're just faking it.
or both and maybe even some other things
I'm not jumping to anything, I'm sliding very slowly without any sudden movements.
Not the person you responded to, but I'm someone who thinks a therapist would be helpful or life enhancing for many people. Pretty much half the people I know are or have been in therapy (and I say half because that's about the number who have mentioned it to me).
Re the person in the OP, I would imagine that there's something psychological causing (ETA: or exacerbating) his issues. He's 30 and has never been kissed, cried uncontrollably at the platonic touch of a friend's wife, and seems to be in crisis over the incident and the fact that his 22 year old friend has a happy marriage. If it's not something that could be worked in in therapy, what do you think would help him otherwise?