chat

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I made a hexbear account so I could have my pronouns in my user name in order to trigger libs. AMA! (hexbear.net)

submitted 1 year ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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No for real, I'm bored. Ask me stuff lol.

I'm trying to not lose my mind debugging this stupid Android app. I'm jobless and don't know what I'm doing with my life.

Recently got diagnosed with ASD at 40. I'm severely depressed and suicidal. I listen to shitty music, read theory and pretend I understand it, oh and I'm super hungover because I suffer from alcoholism. I'm an open book so please don't doxx me <3.

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Around that age is when I started playing with Legos. We grew up poor so had to use our imaginations a lot and I think I really learned to use it as a form of escapism from building stuff and making my own stories up since we didn't have like cable tv and had to rent VHS tapes from the video store in town for real entertainment. The stories I made up would be super involved and they would evolve over the years. It's probably the last real good memories I have of my brother before he turned into a total chud.

I can also remember my first suicidal thoughts around that time. Maybe closer to 8 years old I guess but I remember riding in the car and looking out the window and having thoughts that I could open the door and just jump. I figured those thought would eventually go away and didn't realize until later that it's probably tied to my depression. Like I just don't want to be here anymore but I'm too afraid or weak to end it all I guess. I kept those intrusive thought memories with me all my life. They still come but I have a wife and 2 kids now and they love me and I love them back and donno if I can do that now. Now I feel like I am just suffering through but here for them.

I guess the impact of all that is that it probably played a major roll with me becoming a nihilist or absurdist(not sure which, maybe it's a bit fluid) but even though I have severe depression, they have become my purpose. The thoughts are not gonna go away.