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(Cw: depression/self harm/suicide/gender dysphoria) Questions to my trans comrades (lemmygrad.ml)
submitted 1 day ago by to c/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net
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How did you "feel" your gender dysphoria? Did you feel "connected" to your body before your egg cracked?

So, going through some changes in life lately (career, housing, relationships) that are currently making me reflect on who I am.

For some added context, I've always struggled with depression, anxiety and other mental health conditions. At some point I struggled with self harm and suicidal thoughts too but I worked on that and since then I've never relapsed or felt the same struggle with it as before.

However now that I'm not feeling as mentally clouded as I did before, I realize that some of those issues were caused in part by childhood traumas that left me very disconnected from myself. From my emotions, my needs, my interests and my gender.

The last gender part is a recent discovery tbh as I've never truly reflected on it before. Like, I always saw gender as something "unimportant" to me. I just presented masculine by default because society told me to and I went along with it.

But while I never felt restricted by my gender externally*, I've basically ignored my gender internally and completely disassociated from it.

*(By externally I mean I still liked pink and other non conforming things even if "boys aren't supposed to", I've always had more female friends, enjoyed queer arts and had gay friends)

I've read stories of some trans people saying that they always knew their assigned at birth bodies weren't right. But I also read of those who didn't immediately know.

I hope some of this makes sense. I wasn't sure how to word some parts... but I'm also feeling confused about a lot at the moment hehe and I'd appreciate hearing different experiences and points of view on this if possible.

If this is not the right community for this, please let me know where I could post this

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[–] 2 points 1 day ago

Like, I always saw gender as something “unimportant” to me. I just presented masculine by default because society told me to and I went along with it.

That's how I felt before cracking. I once called myself "technically cis" because I didn't think I was trans, but I did not identify with being male at all. I specifically was confused how other autistic people were trans because I mostly felt like gender was BS and never had seriously considered I might be trans until I was in my late 20's (in retrospect, its absurd how obvious I was trans). Even after realizing I was trans in some form, it still took forever to do much because I wanted some "objective proof" that I was trans and being in a sea of dissociation makes it hard to realize how much of a prison it is (even 2 years after cracking, I started HRT as an experiment and wasn't sure if it was for me... until being on it for like a week).

I think if you are feeling like you'd want to be interpreting something as a sign, then your desire for it to be a sign is a sign. If you aren't sure if something is for you or not, trying it out is the best way to find out (where reasonable; unfortunately something like surgeries, for example, can't be treated like that)

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