How did you "feel" your gender dysphoria? Did you feel "connected" to your body before your egg cracked?


So, going through some changes in life lately (career, housing, relationships) that are currently making me reflect on who I am.

For some added context, I've always struggled with depression, anxiety and other mental health conditions. At some point I struggled with self harm and suicidal thoughts too but I worked on that and since then I've never relapsed or felt the same struggle with it as before.

However now that I'm not feeling as mentally clouded as I did before, I realize that some of those issues were caused in part by childhood traumas that left me very disconnected from myself. From my emotions, my needs, my interests and my gender.

The last gender part is a recent discovery tbh as I've never truly reflected on it before. Like, I always saw gender as something "unimportant" to me. I just presented masculine by default because society told me to and I went along with it.

But while I never felt restricted by my gender externally*, I've basically ignored my gender internally and completely disassociated from it.

*(By externally I mean I still liked pink and other non conforming things even if "boys aren't supposed to", I've always had more female friends, enjoyed queer arts and had gay friends)

I've read stories of some trans people saying that they always knew their assigned at birth bodies weren't right. But I also read of those who didn't immediately know.

I hope some of this makes sense. I wasn't sure how to word some parts... but I'm also feeling confused about a lot at the moment hehe and I'd appreciate hearing different experiences and points of view on this if possible.

If this is not the right community for this, please let me know where I could post this

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[–] 6 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Its honestly hard to remember what it felt like before my egg cracked. I remember being generally completely miserable in life. I remember looking at women and wanting them. I mistook this for sexual wanting for a long time I feel like. Or wanting to be them because they weren't depressed... but never feeling the same about happy men. My own gender definitely felt unimportant... just something I did because of expectations and how I was raised. I definitely didn't always know.

@peanutbuttercupola@hexbear.net tried to link this but its a bit broken for me, https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en was also quite helpful for me back then.

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  • [–] [S] 6 points 1 day ago

    Or wanting to be them because they weren't depressed... but never feeling the same about happy men.

    This is something I've never noticed before in myself... Thank you for sharing that. And for the link as well

    My own gender definitely felt unimportant... just something I did because of expectations and how I was raised.

    Exactly. I just perform it how I know it's expected of me up until a point. But I realize I also never had the freedom to question it anyway

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