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Terrified of coming out and life in general. (lemmy.world)
submitted 5 days ago by to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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Hey y'all, so I'm having a hard time even typing that I've had the crazy epiphany that I'm transfemme? I'm shaking with the anxiety it's inducing just to write that out.

I barely even know where to begin or where I want to go with this. I'm 30, and recently I had some thoughts I'd just labeled as "weird" and tried to shelve away. Funny enough my mental health had hit a new low at such a particularly close timing, wild coincidence I'm sure ๐Ÿ™ƒ Well yesterday night my lovely girlfriend (who, as I type all of this, I'm becoming more suspicious already knows) decided the next movie on our list HAD to be "I Saw The TV Glow" (not a first watch for her) and holy shit I've never had a movie hold a mirror up to me so plainly as to make me nauseous. I'm normally a huge crier and while it had my partner in crime leaking from the eyes at several points, I was left tearless and feeling like I'd been repeatedly punched in the gut before the ending made me feel sucker punched for the extra effort.

And the fucking movie still made me feel FUCKING HOPEFUL about this is I can just come out.

My family is all the type to support me, so I'm not as scared there (still pretty terrified tho). My biggest fear with all of this is disappointing myself again. I've done a lot of that and I don't know how much of that I can still take.

I don't even know what I want to hear from others right now but I appreciate anything. I'm just hoping writing this post keeps me from getting an ulcer.

Hope I'm not breaking any rules posting something so rant-y.

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[โ€“] 1 point 4 days ago (1 child)

Haha, I definitely feel you. I'm still hypothesizing that that article was secretly written by me from the future, as it felt way to creepily accurate. Like

girl, you're just some search result I found looking for "prime egg directive", you have no right to know me deeper than anyone, including myself! You can't just tell me about my insecurities!

Regarding feeling miserable: how is it going currently? Are you optimistic about it improving?

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  • [โ€“] 1 point 4 days ago

    Currently, it's... going. Not good, but I somehow manage. Some days are better, some are worse, but at least there are some brief moments of happiness every now and then.

    I "came out" (I really don't like that term, especially if I'm not even sure what "out" is on most days) to my family and a few friends over the past months, and while they've all been accepting, only one friend actually spent a good amount of time talking about it with me and genuinely felt supporting. When they messaged me a few days later and simply started the message with "Hey girl", I was stupidly giggling to myself about that for the rest of the evening. But then my brain quickly goes back to 'No, stop being happy about that!' and I'm back to questioning my entire existence and worrying that everything might be a mistake.

    Am I optimistic about it improving? I want to, but it feels like this world has drained me of every last bit of hope and optimism I might have once had. But hey, maybe I can at least feel like a miserable girl some day. I'm (very slowly) moving my way forward, I'm trying my best.

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