Wish me luck! I'm about 10bpm away from a heart attack ๐ญ
Edit: After removing my hoodie and revealing my top, my mother gave me the dirtiest look I've ever received from her. She complimented my jorts and belt, that was it. This sent me into a really bad dysphoric spiral. Grandma keeps misgendering me. Everyone treating me like a person feels forced. Currently crying in the bathroom. I want to die
Edit2: Mom was talking to me, asking me why I was sad. I told her, that I could never really afford the surgeries I need to pass, truly pass. She said how people get those and look funny in their 50s. She doesn't even understand what FFS is. She told me I was a normal, pretty, young girl which should have made me feel better, but just felt forced and fake.
She told me that most trans people have 0 family support while I have full support, which is true. I just sit and whine while others have it way worse. I'm such a shitty person.
She told me I have all day every day to focus on myself, so I should get a job and distract myself. Not like I haven't been trying. With my anxiety, even going to the store is a challenge. Leaving the house is a challenge. I don't know how I'd manage a job.
All in all, today sucked extremely. I'm crying in the bathroom, again, but this time I cut my arm with a pair of scissors. I hate myself. I'm leaving the party now, and I'll probably just end it when I get back. I'm such a useless existence. I want out of this world. Sorry everyone, for everything.
Chiming in just to express my support, long with the other commenters.
It seems that you've at least found a tupportive and minful community here. I wish you to find one IRL too if that's not already the case. A good community really helps being well, happy, and attenuating anxiety.
I also wish that your family learn to identify and avoid hurtful acts and words.
In other words, I wish you conditions that help being at least safe and happy.
(Again, sorry if my message is clumsy.)
Thank you for the kind words ๐ฉท
I kinda have something like a community irl...a Discord server of trans people like me, all from my country and a neighboring one. I'm planning to attend one of the meetups soon.
Not clumsy at all. Thank you, kind stranger
Discord is not great for privacy and they aggressively push monetization, which is presumably why you're on Lemmy rather than Reddit despite the near-compete lack of CZ/SK users. Blahaj.zone also has a "Genderverse" Matrix space, which works like Discord and is very welcoming. No Czech people I know of but there are dedicated "Nerd" and "IT" rooms.
I made a Matrix account on chat.blahaj.zone
No idea what I'm doing yet ๐
I sent a message in the "Applications" room. Seems like a good place to start?
Discord is a piece of shit. I fucking hate Discord. If all of my friends weren't there, I would've yeeted my account long ago.
I was on Reddit originally...
Then I had a moment and deleted my account. Coming back, I couldn't post anything with a new account, it'd just get deleted by the filters. And on top of that, they started asking for my ID.
So I deleted my second account too
I do know Matrix. I tried to get my friends back in the day (we don't talk anymore) to switch to Matrix instead of Discord. I'll give it a try! Guess I'll download Element again ๐
It's completely fine, honestly, I even prefer it that way. Czech is nice, kinda, but everything in the language being gendered...yeah no.
I'm trying Matrix