Wish me luck! I'm about 10bpm away from a heart attack ๐ญ
Edit: After removing my hoodie and revealing my top, my mother gave me the dirtiest look I've ever received from her. She complimented my jorts and belt, that was it. This sent me into a really bad dysphoric spiral. Grandma keeps misgendering me. Everyone treating me like a person feels forced. Currently crying in the bathroom. I want to die
Edit2: Mom was talking to me, asking me why I was sad. I told her, that I could never really afford the surgeries I need to pass, truly pass. She said how people get those and look funny in their 50s. She doesn't even understand what FFS is. She told me I was a normal, pretty, young girl which should have made me feel better, but just felt forced and fake.
She told me that most trans people have 0 family support while I have full support, which is true. I just sit and whine while others have it way worse. I'm such a shitty person.
She told me I have all day every day to focus on myself, so I should get a job and distract myself. Not like I haven't been trying. With my anxiety, even going to the store is a challenge. Leaving the house is a challenge. I don't know how I'd manage a job.
All in all, today sucked extremely. I'm crying in the bathroom, again, but this time I cut my arm with a pair of scissors. I hate myself. I'm leaving the party now, and I'll probably just end it when I get back. I'm such a useless existence. I want out of this world. Sorry everyone, for everything.
hey girl i see you. im really sorry they treated you that way ๐ซ seriously family is the hardest to be yourself in front of. you did such a good job. showing up as yourself in front of the people who can hurt you the most takes a lot of guts and you did it. it didnt go well this time and thats ok. its not because you did anything wrong, or because you didnt look fem enough. seriously your outfit looks so cute, they just arent used to seeing you that way and being confronted with such a huge change in someone they thought they knew. thats not your fault its theirs.
if i can offer a tiny bit of advice, id recommend trying to find some queer community near you. it helps sooo much being able to be around people who will accept your identity without question, especially other trans people. your feelings are so valid and common for us. having other trans people in your life would give you people to talk to who truly get it and can help you through it. not that you should stop coming here we'd miss you ;) but we sadly cant physically hug you and tell you what a good job you did.
just to validate you a little more your outfit looks very cute. its still so early in your transition and youre doing a great job dressing fem. things will only get better from here ๐ซ