I (23M) am becoming increasingly aware that my regular exposure to political content seems to be incompatible with my own mental well-being.
I was raised by two narcissistic parents, one of whom was violent. I have very few positive or loving memories. My trauma turned my brain into a 24/7 threat detector. I'm constantly thinking about everything and everyone that could kill me or take everything I have.
The Internet has taught me that the world is less awful than the hellish place I came from. But I've hit a wall where I can't get better because I am constantly being reminded by well-meaning people that everything in the U.S. is going to shit.
My trauma narrative eats this stuff up. It sees fascists on the streets, impending financial and ecological crises, the dangers of cars, widespread hyperindividualism, the decline of third spaces, and constant phone and social media use. Then it says, "Nobody can be trusted because capitalism makes everyone shallow and selfish. Going outside is dangerous because of cars and fascists. Most people don't want to socialize because they are too busy. There are no good places to meet anyone. Everyone who does socialize is just a fair-weather friend because support is outsourced to paid therapy and the eroding welfare system. I'll never be good enough for a partner because I can't build a stable life and dating apps are designed to not work. Any job I get won't last long because of the collapsing economy. Going to college is too financially risky. There is no stability. Nothing good ever lasts. My progress will be wiped out by systemic forces far beyond my control."
It seems like U.S. politics is about instability and collapse at this point, and because I have so few positive memories, it feels like life itself is about instability and collapse. Your money, your job, your social circle, your health, everything you've worked for -- all of it could just go up in smoke tomorrow. I can't take anything for granted or have any confidence in the future. I can't fully enjoy anything because I'm too busy thinking about how I'll cope with its inevitable loss.
Is this really what life is? Just watching every good thing disappear? Being born into a mostly-functioning society just to watch it fall apart? Knowing you'll have to weather every struggle alone because people only care about themselves? Being promised a stable life and career all throughout school only for the rug to be pulled at the last minute?
There has to be more to life than this.
Is staying on the Internet really worth it?
(Also yes I go to therapy, I'm working on myself but that shit is hard af sometimes)
This is long and rather rambling and I have no idea if it makes any sense at all...
I grew up in a home where I was isolated from almost everyone outside my family (it was normal to go days or weeks without leaving my house as a child) and had an abusive parent. I have actual (not self diagnosed) PTSD from it.
I escaped my family to marry too young into what I thought was a good relationship but ended up being to a manipulative person who could be good to me but who treated me poorly most of the time, dismissed my feelings, and gaslighted me until I genuinely thought I was losing my mind (the actual form of gaslighting, not the reddit version). That relationship went on way too long.
I escaped that and had to start over with a few hundred dollars in my bank account in my 30s. Right as I was getting my feet under me Trump 2.0 happened and I got swept up in the negativity and panic.
I felt like I had to be glued to the news all the time to avoid being complacent. I felt like if I wasn't aware of everything going on I was abusing my privilege to not be aware of things that weren't affecting me.
My mental health was already destroyed from all the bad things that happened to me and this shit sent me far deeper into the spiral and prevented me from ever getting out.
So I stopped.
I don't ever want to be complacent, I don't ever want to stop standing up for what is right, but feeling so crushed by the world that I can't even get out of bed on my days off isn't helping anyone.
I only scan local news websites now and whatever global news pops up on Lemmy, but I rarely click on it. I occasionally pop over to propublica because I think their work is excellent.
I started making an effort to have more real conversations with people around me, and not doom and gloom conversations, but conversations like "what hobbies do you have?" and questions about who they are as people and what life experiences they are. I've even told a few people "my life has been rough and I never really got to have hobbies and now I'm trying to find things I like, what are your favorite things to do?" It's led to some really good conversations and some people in the real world really do suck but a lot are really cool people!
My mental health has improved so much. I obviously am less aware of what's going on in the world because I'm not dialed in constantly to the news headlines, but I don't feel any more complacent and I still feel completely ready to stand up and defend what I believe is right. I'm still going to go vote in every election, but I don't need to overwhelm my mind with things I can't control to the point that I'm useless to step in when there is something I can control.
It does feel like I'm doomed and that one day I'll end up jobless and homeless, but you know what? Fuck it. I'll go down swinging. I have a job and an adorable little apartment and all of that is so fragile and I could lose it so quickly but right now it's still mine and every time I go to bed I'm filled with gratitude that I have a home and food in my fridge and I am doing this myself. I can only control what I can control.
Today I went for a walk near my home and found a turtle. I also found a bumble bee crawling around in the road and I picked it up and moved it before it could get run over and got to take a moment to enjoy the fuzzy little bee crawling up my arm. Enjoy the little moments. Stop and breathe and smell the flowers. Log off and go literally touch grass.
It's ok to take a break. You need to come first, because if you don't find your own oxygen mask you'll suffocate before you can put on anyone else's. And don't forget to be grateful for what you do have and maybe some day you'll have all the things you lack.