No matter what I do, it feels hopeless, I feel hopeless. I'm in poverty in the USA and I'm just trying to fucking stay alive. I have a therapist but I've seen her twice and haven't been able to get scheduled since, which was almost three months ago now. I just gave up. It feels insurmountable. I feel like the life I wanted was stolen from me by my family, my fellow citizens, my country.
I spend every day staring at a screen and talking to no one in real life except the family I caretake for. I do my best, but I bitterly resent them for what they put me through, how they made clear this fucking house we live in was more valuable to them than their own child.
I'll never forget the fear I had put in me when I was caught crossdressing, and just let it go until more than a decade later when I was almost thirty, and even then it took me years to wrestle with my own feelings.
I know Medicaid covers a lot, but I'm probably losing Medicaid this spring because my cancer isn't cancery enough or whatever. I've been waiting on even getting a first hearing for disability and it feels like it will never come and I scrape by on nothing.
I don't even have my own bed. How can I even realistically pursue anything? I can't even talk about how much it makes me want to kill myself without getting institutionalized. I feel like I may as well just die now because I'm wasting time, that no one will love me, that no one cares, that I'm just one more easily forgotten casualty of the American Empire that has been murdering with impunity for generations.
I'm sorry I'm crashing out. It just all feels so pointless and fruitless and like I may as well die as the ugly man that I am. I've been falling apart ever since I was diagnosed with cancer, and I'm so tired of being treated like I should just toughen up and get over it or something since "I'm a man" or what the fuck ever. I hate it I hate I hate it I hate it
I wish I didn't feel like I had to be super out about my feelings on gender for other trans folks to not assume I'm just a cisgender creep, because I also feel like they'll think I'm lying or something. Like, it's just a personal thing I'm just not ready to share with just anybody, and so outwardly I still present as a cisgender man.
I feel like I have impostor syndrome.
Hmm I don't know, everyone has a different experience you know, and everyone here knows and respect that. I've found everyone to be super kind and understanding as long as you are as well
I know, but I guess I mean moreso offline. I'm so isolated and out in a conservative shithole, don't have a car, and everyone is in cities far away from me. I just want friends I can see in person, ugh. i do really badly with social isolation.
Everyone here is so supportive and loving, but I wish I had people supportive and loving in my AFK life.
OH, well then I am in the same boat as you because I am in suburban Wisconsin right now and there is not a person like me around that I have seen for a while, I do have a car, so I can go places, but it's by myself I don't have any friends or anything either. I've kind of relied on people here for knowledge and support, but yeah it would be nice IRL too for sure. I'm learning more and more that I'm actually kind of a social butterfly and I've been isolating myself and pretending I was an introvert for the past 30 years, so I know what you mean about the isolation, I think it's driven me a little bonkers to be honest lol. I dunno I'm sorry you're in the situation you are too, especially with the current political craziness, it was bad enough being in a conservative area before but now it's just.. I dunno what to say anymore about it lol.