waking up to someone that's supposed to be your parent sobbing on the floor in front of you, begging you to "change yourself", saying she wanted a "normal family" and that I disgust her is in fact, not a great way to start the day. eating expired jam off of toasted hamburger rolls that were on sale probably fares a little better.
I'll be honest, I already knew spawnpoint's true feelings about me even though she never said them out loud before. actually vocalizing them was my last straw. how the view of someone could change from strong to pathetic and selfish in just a couple months... isn't anything I can put to words.
I shut my mouth. I went to school. but I wasn't going back to a house where I'm viewed as "disgusting". I wasn't going to go back to a house where I couldn't focus on anything because of a looming presence. I wasn't going back to a house where someone would try in every way to get me to fit her mold that she so desperately wants. a house where I could not trust anyone.
I took a friend's offer to crash. I was pretty much already packed for a scenario like this, so I didn't need much notice. my situation is well understood by their parents, and I'm trying for a different arrangement asap.
but here I am. a place where I can just... be. no more pretending. no more hiding my meds in fear of them getting taken. no anxiety over the next emotional burst. I studied more tonight than I ever did last week for a class final tomorrow. I'm just functioning how anyone else would need to in the day-to-day, but I'm crying now because in that house it was just impossible.
I don't know what I'm going to do next. all I know is that today, for all my work, I get another small break. a glimpse of what it's like to live. to be human. and I regret nothing, not even the 15 missed calls, white cheddar pasta, and getting ready to sleep on the floor.
cheers everyone ❤️ I should probably get some sleep now...
You mentioned in a previous post that your Gran is more accepting. Would it be possible for her to put you up for a while?
As for your mother, obviously im not there and dont know the subtleties of the situation, but a lot of parents have a hard time coming to terms with transition because they see it as their child being replaced by a different person. Of course sometimes it is just bigotry, but some parents just need a bit of time to understand that you're not becoming a different person, just a happier one. As I've said, I don't know the ins and outs of your specific situation.
Either way it's good you have somewhere to go for now. Stay safe and happy.
grandma knows where I am and I'm keeping in touch with her only. she understands I'm prioritizing my wellbeing and by extension my studies. I'll see what I can do because she lives far from my school.
as for spawnpoint, I'm not sure whether she ers on the side of bigotry or misunderstanding. I was ok with her crying and I tried to be as accommodating as possible while I awaited a session with a therapist to talk things out in a controlled environment.
nonetheless, I don't want to stay in a house where that's what someone says to me or thinks of me. I don't wanna have to walk on eggshells deciding whether something I want to do to care for myself will cause her to lash out. I mean hell I was afraid to use a hair dryer or shave my face. being there wasn't good for my health.
safe to say I'll try my best to avoid talking to her outside of that upcoming appointment.