waking up to someone that's supposed to be your parent sobbing on the floor in front of you, begging you to "change yourself", saying she wanted a "normal family" and that I disgust her is in fact, not a great way to start the day. eating expired jam off of toasted hamburger rolls that were on sale probably fares a little better.
I'll be honest, I already knew spawnpoint's true feelings about me even though she never said them out loud before. actually vocalizing them was my last straw. how the view of someone could change from strong to pathetic and selfish in just a couple months... isn't anything I can put to words.
I shut my mouth. I went to school. but I wasn't going back to a house where I'm viewed as "disgusting". I wasn't going to go back to a house where I couldn't focus on anything because of a looming presence. I wasn't going back to a house where someone would try in every way to get me to fit her mold that she so desperately wants. a house where I could not trust anyone.
I took a friend's offer to crash. I was pretty much already packed for a scenario like this, so I didn't need much notice. my situation is well understood by their parents, and I'm trying for a different arrangement asap.
but here I am. a place where I can just... be. no more pretending. no more hiding my meds in fear of them getting taken. no anxiety over the next emotional burst. I studied more tonight than I ever did last week for a class final tomorrow. I'm just functioning how anyone else would need to in the day-to-day, but I'm crying now because in that house it was just impossible.
I don't know what I'm going to do next. all I know is that today, for all my work, I get another small break. a glimpse of what it's like to live. to be human. and I regret nothing, not even the 15 missed calls, white cheddar pasta, and getting ready to sleep on the floor.
cheers everyone ❤️ I should probably get some sleep now...