"Interpersonal Systemic Shame makes it easy to see people's laziness, sloppiness, or apathy as the source of the problem rather than a consequence of repeated structural failures. Interpersonal Systemic Shame often involves blaming and shaming people who share identities or experiences with us, because they reflect the qualities we've been conditioned to hate in ourselves."
- Unlearning Shame, Devon Price, PhD
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That link isn't working for me, the problem might be my end.
I think it's maladaptive in my case because it contributes to me not doing things I should be doing. I find it hard to drag myself out of bed in the mornings because I want to lay there and fantasise about my alternate lives, but I have to get up as I always have so many medical appointments and other crap that needs doing like dealing with my prescriptions etc. But later in the day when I should be cleaning up this pigsty and similar things, even hobbies I keep meaning to start (like art and tarot reading, I've had some art and tarot stuff for years but still haven't started) and books I mean to read, I just fantasise or doomscroll instead.
I've tried googling alternative sources of aid before but there doesn't seem to be anything suitable out there. It would suck if mutual aid is on its last legs, this place has kept me fed and helped me with medical supplies, transport etc for like a year now. I can't imagine how I would have managed without it.
Might be. Sorry I can't help any further :(
It may be, but on the other hand, what you describe sounds like depression stemming from all the impairments you suffer. Wanting to escape these circumstances when it's so much effort to try to clean up a room or keep track of a billion medical appointments is normal I'd say. Of course it makes you do less, because your brain and body don't want to deal with added stress. Don't be hard on yourself for this behavior, it's a natural reaction to your situation, and compared to others, a rather less damaging one.
It's hard to find aid for anything, I agree with you, and I'm also glad mutual aid exists. I hope it'll continue to help you out, despite the challenges
Yeah I do have depression. I mean, I am diagnosed with it but I've always considered it a natural reaction to my life rather than a mental illness. I've had multiple antidepressants but they all either didn't work or had horrific side effects. I get mirtazapine on prescription now but I throw it in the bin, I don't take it. I only get it dispensed to help my benefit claim because if I'm not having treatment they will use it as an excuse to deny me. And of course I've had multiple therapies which were mostly worse than useless. I did at least manage to do a little cleaning today, just putting all the rubbish on the floor in the bin/recycling boxes. There's still so much to do it seems overwhelming. Before my benefits were stopped my landlady and I used to go halves on a cleaner once a fortnight. £15 each and she came and did the stuff that we really struggle to do, like cleaning the shower (as we both have trouble bending down) and the hoovering (as we both struggle to lift it especially up and down the stairs). Since we can't afford her any more we're kind of living in squalor, the shower is getting black and mouldy and the carpet needs hoovering. I actually asked the council if I could qualify for help with this but they have so many people needing help they are only giving it to the worst cases, people who literally can't move or do anything for themselves.