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How do I deal with someone who's been shitting in front of my house? (literature.cafe)

submitted 2 months ago by Karl@literature.cafe to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

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I've been seeing poop in a path which is connected to the gates of my house. This has happened 3 times now over 1 or 2 weeks. When I saw the poop first, I thought it must be a dog. But everytime it dries (every 3 or 4 days), a mysterious pile of new shit is dropped on the old shit. It's (very) black, very smelly and in the EXACT same spot!! Right on top of the dried shit!! I'm convinced it's a human being. I've decided I'm gonna hide in some bushes nearby and catch them doing the deed. But what do I do then? What if they don't care and continue doing it? How do I make them regret it without getting into trouble? It'd be nice if they couldn't tell it's me.

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[-] okwhateverdude@lemmy.world 87 points 2 months ago

Jump out of the bushes while furiously masturbating. Scream at them to "KEEP GOING I AM ALMOST THERE PINCH OFF THAT HAWT STEAMING LOAF DADDY". Pretty sure one of two things will happen: Either they freak out, pull up, and high tail it out of there never to be seen again, or they lock eyes with you and maintain that connection through a slight squint and some grunts. Make sure you record it and post this to the internet.

[-] cRazi_man@europe.pub 34 points 2 months ago

one of two things will happen

So both outcomes are a win in this solution.

[-] dumbass@piefed.social 22 points 2 months ago

I second this, you gotta out weird them, I suggest covering yourself with peanut butter while doing what they said.

[-] Evil_Incarnate@sopuli.xyz 18 points 2 months ago

Keep going, I'm almost there

[-] dumbass@piefed.social 15 points 2 months ago

[-] Karl@literature.cafe 10 points 2 months ago

I don't think it's possible to outweird someone who shits in public

[-] Speiser0@feddit.org 33 points 2 months ago

Skill issue.

[-] dumbass@piefed.social 17 points 2 months ago

Well, we know who's house we can shit out front of now!

[-] Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world 4 points 2 months ago

Do you want squirrels? Cause that's how you get squirrels.

[-] dumbass@piefed.social 8 points 2 months ago

yes, yes I do! I need them for my Squirrel Navy.

this post was submitted on 30 Nov 2025

135 points (97.9% liked)

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