I recently tried putting myself out there and started going to a weekly game night at a local game shop. I had been thinking about it for a long time, but one day after work I finally had the courage and went. I was super nervous that first night, felt very intimidated since by the time I got there the vast majority of people were already playing tabletop games I wasn't familiar with. But I met a nice table of a few people playing a more casual card game. They welcomed me and we had a good time.

We met once a month for the next 2 months. both times fun, they invited me to a friend group discord to help coordinate when we'd hang out. I was hopeful maybe this was the start of a new beginning for me.

I find out today that I was kicked from said Discord without any warning or reason given.

Confused, old feelings of friend rejection surfacing, I message the admin/"leader" of the friend group, let's call her X. To her credit, X actually responds and doesn't just ghost me. She claims I was kicked because I @everyone'd too much and it quote "made people uncomfortable".

I did it a total of 2 times, with a space of a month between, both times were literally "Hey, anyone wanna hang out this week? @everyone".

No warnings, no indication that I had made some unspoken internet faux paus, just immediate punishment.

I tried to explain my side and that I meant no harm and annoyance, and that now that I was actually made aware of the problem, I could act on fixing it. I explained that I'm autistic and that I mess up social cues alot as a result, all but begging for a 2nd chance, just not to be alone again.

But nope, mind was made up. She said as much and then promptly blocked me.

What gets me the most is: All she had to do was talk to me. Just shoot me a message saying "Hey can you please not @everyone", and it would've been resolved. That's it.

Looking back, there were some flags with X that she was a control freak and a wannabe "Queen Bee" of this group, that she wanted a monopoly on when and where we all hung out, for no one else to ever initiate besides her, that she maybe never really liked me to begin with and was waiting for an excuse to do something like this. But I gave her the benefit of a doubt because I wanted so, so badly to belong

I won't miss X, and would be fine never seeing her again, but I will miss the other people (I have no real way of contacting them now. I was still getting to know them while they've been friends with X significantly longer, so odds are they'd side with her regardless). I hope X and her group hang out elsewhere from now on, if for no other reason than to avoid me and the ensuing awkwardness.

All I've ever wanted, more than anything in the world, is a true-blue best friend group who I knew had my back 100% no matter what. No joke, I'd give up all my earthly possessions to have that, it would bring me that much joy and peace. But if there's a god, I guess he's just like "Fuck you, you don't get to have that".

This has been the latest in a line of recent failures to make new friends, something I've struggled with my whole life. And I get more and more discouraged every time. I feel so unwanted