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What a deal! (lemmy.world)
submitted 5 days ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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[-] [email protected] 5 points 5 days ago

But, did you get the bonus features and warranty package? What about the pre-order exclusives? The free-range ones are cheaper, sure, but you could be missing out on all sorts of amenities.

[-] [email protected] 2 points 5 days ago

Pre-ordering a disorder is just generational trauma.

[-] [email protected] 1 points 4 days ago

Pre-ordering is a symptom of mental illness.

[-] [email protected] 1 points 5 days ago

Some restrictions apply, act now, for a limited time only. Offer void where prohibited, discouraged, frowned upon, or deemed “a bit much” by local authorities. Participation may require juggling three flaming pineapples while reciting the Preamble to the Constitution in reverse Pig Latin. Valid only on Tuesdays that fall on the 12th of the month during leap years in countries that recognize marmots as legal witnesses. By accepting this offer, you agree to forfeit any claim to interdimensional travel rights, including but not limited to portals, wormholes, and suspiciously sparkly closets. Not responsible for spontaneous polka outbreaks or mild existential crises. Batteries not included. Probably illegal in at least seven time zones.

[-] [email protected] 1 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago)

That's right, folks! It's The New & Improved All-Natural, Humanely-Sourced, Custom-Fit Anxiety Disorder X-2073! The modern age-indifferent fuck-your-sanity toy sensation that's sweeping the barest vestiges of what could possibly still be called a "nation"! Only $149,500.^99^ at every window to reality you can find! Get yours today!

Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to The New & Improved All-Natural, Humanely-Sourced, Custom-Fit Anxiety Disorder X-2073. Caution: The New & Improved All-Natural, Humanely-Sourced, Custom-Fit Anxiety Disorder X-2073 may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.

  • The New & Improved All-Natural, Humanely-Sourced, Custom-Fit Anxiety Disorder X-2073 contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
  • Do not use The New & Improved All-Natural, Humanely-Sourced, Custom-Fit Anxiety Disorder X-2073 on concrete.
  • Discontinue use of The New & Improved All-Natural, Humanely-Sourced, Custom-Fit Anxiety Disorder X-2073 if any of the following occurs:
    • itching
    • vertigo
    • dizziness
    • tingling in extremities
    • loss of balance coordination
    • slurred speech temporary blindness
    • profuse sweating or heart palpitations.
  • If The New & Improved All-Natural, Humanely-Sourced, Custom-Fit Anxiety Disorder X-2073 begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
  • The New & Improved All-Natural, Humanely-Sourced, Custom-Fit Anxiety Disorder X-2073 may stick to certain types of skin.
  • When not in use, The New & Improved All-Natural, Humanely-Sourced, Custom-Fit Anxiety Disorder X-2073 should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of The New & Improved All-Natural, Humanely-Sourced, Custom-Fit Anxiety Disorder X-2073, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.
  • Ingredients of The New & Improved All-Natural, Humanely-Sourced, Custom-Fit Anxiety Disorder X-2073 include an unknown glowing green substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
  • The New & Improved All-Natural, Humanely-Sourced, Custom-Fit Anxiety Disorder X-2073 has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.
  • Do not taunt The New & Improved All-Natural, Humanely-Sourced, Custom-Fit Anxiety Disorder X-2073.
  • The New & Improved All-Natural, Humanely-Sourced, Custom-Fit Anxiety Disorder X-2073 comes with a lifetime warranty.

The New & Improved All-Natural, Humanely-Sourced, Custom-Fit Anxiety Disorder X-2073! Accept no substitutes!

this post was submitted on 03 Jul 2025
295 points (98.7% liked)

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