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this post was submitted on 03 May 2025
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Relationship Advice
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From your description, it sounds like she sucks. But based on this, I'd say that either your friends also suck, or you suck, or everyone involved sucks.
Good friends don't just stick with one side of a breakup because they are more attractive. Even if it's a nasty breakup, good friends will be there for you just as much as they are there for her.
At the same time, I had a friend go through a breakup. I had met his now-ex, and was the reason they met. When they broke up, I and basically all his other friends cut ties, and hung out with his ex. Why? Because before he'd got together with her, I was already considering cutting ties because he was pissing everyone off, constantly being inconsiderate, and refused to take responsibility for his own problems. The only reason he kept all those friends through his relationship was because he was in that relationship - it felt sudden to him, but everyone had been wanting to cut contact with him for about a year before it happened.
Either way, the reason this sucks so much is because you failed to cultivate strong friendships with good people. Imagine another scenario: she breaks up with you, and you have a close circle of friends who support you through the initial period. Due to your status, notoriety, and relationships in the music scene, suddenly lots of women come out of the woodwork who were always interested in you, but knew you were in a relationship. You go out to a gig, and see she's making out with some douchebag, but you don't feel so beat up, because you are there with your friends with a new girl on your shoulder.
And ask yourself: what could I have done to make that happen? Your feelings of resentment have less to do with her, and more to do with your needs not being met in this difficult time. So what you should do now should be to find a way to ensure your needs are met in the future. That might mean improving yourself (asking yourself if you do have an alcohol problem), making new friends, picking up a new hobby for a while, reaching out to old friends to ask for help or advice, or yeah, maybe even moving to a new city! But know: until you can see her hanging out with your old "friends" and making out with another guy and feel okay, you still haven't overcome your issue.
I think you might have nailed it that I am in fact the one who sucks. That would actually add up perfectly since it's such a convenient time to cut contact.
I don't have any good friends probably because I dedicated all my energy to my wife and career and I never really made a point to go make my own friends. Oops.
Re: moving I am pondering taking a mental health leave from work and house swapping someone in Iceland. I kind of forgot as a homeowner I have some serious leverage compared to when I was renting and I'm not actually as stuck as I initially worried
Classic.
Do it. It sounds like you need some kind of change of pace, and to get out of your own head.
The good thing to remember is that, if the reason you are feeling this way is because "you suck" (aka, you are a flawed human being, as we all are), then you can make your life better by sucking less - by building a happy, secure, passionate life that you want to be living.
When you want to get into dating again, I recommend picking up the book Models by Mark Manson