this post was submitted on 27 Apr 2025
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I'm sorry, what? Do people actually say that?? Wtf?
yea, they say that, or what I’ve seen often is "im grieving the death of my son!!"
like, why not celebrate the birth of your daughter instead?
To be fair, especially to parents I get the part of grieving of someone you love not being there anymore. But if that person isn't really dead but just a different (better) version of the person, I don't really get how you can believe you are greaving while you're simultaneously not keeping that person close to you? I mean, that will only make the loss worse, right?
They're grieving the loss of who they expected their kid to be
Yeah but whatever their son/daughter was able to do before, there's no reason they can't do it post transition. If I use super traditional cliches to explain what I mean, their new daughter still knowns how to fix their computer / their new son still knows how to cook.
It's an emotional reaction rooted in transphobia, not a logical one.
But to my point of a loss of expectations, that part is like when kids don't turn out how their parents had hoped. To use another cliche, when their kid who was going to be a doctor runs off to do art instead.
Those parents that love unconditionally will let go of those expectations, learn to love their kid for who they actually are, and in time appreciate their transition as a period of growth rather than loss.
But I think that's not a weird thing for a parent (not saying it is normal to not want to speak to your child because they are different then you expected, or to dislike them for being who they were born to be).
Yeah, the phenomenon isn't unique to trans people if viewed through the lens of expectations for their child. It just takes on a much more extreme reaction/framing when transphobia is involved.
I don't begrudge my mom for feeling sad about realizing I'm not who she wanted me to be, but those aren't feelings you should voice to your child who is already struggling.
No totally fair, it's not your fault she had those expectations as well. Any parent should be supportive of their child and I agree you are not the one she should bother with those feelings. Wish you the best.