went to the gym yesterday and had a good workout all things considered given I hadn't been regularly in awhile recovering from my hand injuries and was feeling pretty good and saw some friendly regulars I hadn't seen in awhile
dysphoria
looked in the mirror before I left and that was a bad idea
hate how large I am and how... idk what to call it. Frumpy? Blocky? My silhouette is
I'm not like a super tall or bulky muscly type but ugh
I wish I was more slender in my frame and shorter
I wish I could be described as "elegant" and that's pretty far from the actual truth of my appearance
My face is kinda femme and I have kinda feminine legs and hips but I hate my fat distribution and it's like I'm a big work truck with a girly paint job and the women I wanna look more like are like sleek little sports cars or something
Physically I've felt just too big lately and have been bumping into shit accidentally a lot lately and it sucks
My voice and dealing with my hair and body hair and everything have gotten worse and I've felt a lot worse bottom dysphoria than I usually do and bleh
I've known I'm not cis for a long time at this point but keep beating myself up mentally like "why can't I just be a queer cis guy, it'd be so much easier than dealing with how far away my body is now from where I'd like it to be"
ugh
