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Trans Megathread from January 13th, 2024 to January 19th, 2024 (hexbear.net)
submitted 2 years ago by [M] to c/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net
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"Nearly every social event I have attended with [communists] has inevitably had some conversation about linux, furry culture, obscure leftist history, tabletop games, or other equally nerdy subjects"

Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#traacha:transfem.dev

As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.

Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.

Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.

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[–] 22 points 2 years ago (10 children)

CW: Severe dysphoria and depression, discussion of self-harm, relationship and familial issuesI can't be around here right now. Everything is setting of severe dysphoria and depression. I've had to completely disconnect from any talk about gender, sex, or relationships as it torpedoes my mental state immediately. I've even been avoiding my friends and "family." Family being my mother and sister, who are now on the verge of being tossed out of my fucking life. It's like everyone lacks empathy. No one understands the sheer immensity of the pain and suffering I'm going through right now. "Just cheer up. Smile and you'll be fine. That's no reason to be so upset." Thanks mom. Go fuck yourself. You've not exactly been the most helpful during my transition these last few years. The shadow of my ex continues to hang over me and I've destroyed some things in my house that remind me of him. I've been extremely not well if that's not clear. I even skipped out on making the topic this week cause I just can't. I'm glad I value my life so highly otherwise I might not be here right now. It's crossed my mind on more than one occasion recently, too. Even my therapist isn't fucking helping me. Ugh.

I just wish I was born a woman. I feel like a horrible facsimile. Like someone was given a doll and parts and told to do their best. This vagina. These breasts. They all feel horrendously fake. I feel like someone took a hobby knife to a Ken doll and just did what they could. I can't stand it. I just want to feel me. I wish I could've grown up properly. I wish I could have a uterus. I wish I could have children to raise and watch grow up and give a good life to. I wish I could've had all those experiences in life that cis-women just take for granted. I can't take this. I just can't.

I know almost none of you really know me or care about me and I apologize for shitting up the mega. All of you are so happy with what you're going through that you don't deserve to see the absolute trainwreck that is my life right now. I'm sorry, but with no one to properly just vent to, I resort to coming here. Legitimately if you don't like it and don't care to see this, I will stop. Just tell me in reply or PM. Seriously.

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  • [–] 15 points 2 years ago (2 children)

    When I transitioned 5 years ago, I was of course ecstatic about it because I was gatekept for so long. But after the euphoria waned off, I was completely smacked in the face by the realities of trans life, especially when it came to my self-image.

    What helped me most during this time was discovering a certain trans streamer that I immediately fell in love with. She always has these deep meaningful monologues about all kind of topics, but very often it was about her own transition and the struggles she faces, which are very similar to my own. And so listening to her for hours and hours gave me insight into things that I never considered before and it really helped me improve my self-image.

    But what it really gave me was the feeling that I wasn’t alone in this world. That there are others who go through the exact same issues as I do, fighting for a place in this hostile world. And reading your vents, that are supposedly oh so inapropriate, gives me the same feeling. The feeling that I’m not alone.

    So thank you and everyone else who is a part of this community for making my life more bearable. Don’t stop posting! cat-trans

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  • [–] 10 points 2 years ago (1 child)

    That warms my heart to read. Thank you for typing that out. I hope we all find our place someday. I'm not very online and I don't hang around any spaces except this one, so I'm not really exposed to the community as a whole. It's nice to find someone that can relate to my struggles for once.

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  • [–] 14 points 2 years ago (1 child)

    i dunno if this'll be helpful, and maybe it's weird or dumb idk, but i'm glad you're here. we had like a quarter of a conversation about painting thousand sons, and maybe it's silly but that brought me joy. you've made me happy to be here.

    i don't think you're shitting up anything.

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  • [–] 14 points 2 years ago

    spoilerThe cis really don't understand, and I'm sorry. Its hard not having people who understand. I understand wishing I was born cis. I'm really glad you are still here.
    I don't know you, but I do care about you and read all your posts. You aren't 'shitting up the mega". I genuinely like seeing when other people vent post. It makes me feel less alone in my struggles and feelings. I wish I knew what to say, or how to help, but I don't. I am just as lost as you are. And usually too depressed to say anything of substance to your posts.

    All of you are so happy with what you're going through

    This has been the most stressful experience of my life and I have very little hope in the medium to long term.

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  • [–] 12 points 2 years ago (3 children)

    cuddle

    I'm sorry fellow internet stranger. I feel a lot of the same things a lot of the time too. It's also hard for me to find appropriate places and people to vent about it to, and I've been similarly frustrated with therapists. I hope you're okay with me adding just a little shared misery, feel free to ignore it if you can't handle hearing about someone else's struggle with dysphoria right now. My intention is to give some comfort through company, not to make you feel even worse or more hopeless. Whether or not you read it, I want you to know you're not alone.

    More Discussion of Dysphoria, self-harming behaviors, internalized transphobiaHave you ever self-harmed by obsessing over gender theory, or trying to find the perfect argument to destroy any transphobic/TERF ideology from its foundations? I tend to do that when I'm feeling particularly bad and it never really helps. Sometimes in turns into this horrible spiral where I'm trying to like, argue myself out of my dysphoria. Like, oh, I'm only dysphoric because of bullshit patriarchal cishet standards and conceptions of "natural" sex and "real" gender anyway, so if I read something water-tight convincing enough that undercuts those ideas, I can somehow talk myself out of it, make it go away. But it always makes it worse, because in doing so I only end up focusing more acutely on where the pain is coming from, and inevitably I end up reading pages of explicit transphobia, ostensibly to find all of its flaws and pick it apart and make it feel less true, but I'm reading it anyway and it ends up sinking in and making me feel like complete shit, sometimes for days or weeks.

    That is to say, I really relate to feeling like an imposter in my own skin. That I'm somehow less "real" than what I am. That there is an ontological gap that cannot ever be completely filled.

    But sometimes, I feel a real sense of pride in these same things. I have my friends and my partner and the occasional queer acquaintance who I feel truly do see me for more than what I see in myself, who make that realness tangible in ways that it doesn't anywhere else. Sometimes I'll find a particular piece of art or writing that I really do think just gets it and I'll feel seen in a way that doesn't feel like being exposed, but embraced.

    And sometimes, very rarely, I'll manage to see that in myself, if only for a moment. And in those fleeting seconds, it all feels worth it.

    sorry to anyone who feels this is an inappropriate use of this space. i understand there's sort of a taboo around venting and using shared spaces as therapy sessions because, well, i'm sure we all know where endless, normalized pessimism can lead. we've all heard of 4chan. i'm very much not trying to cause a chain reaction and I promise not to make this kind of posting a habit. I just, idk, something about this specific comment really struck a chord with me, so I really wanted to reach out and share my own experiences with the same sorts of feelings. I hope this is ok.

    if anyone feels like they want to talk about any of this, ask me questions about it, or just feels like shooting the shit with someone who might be in a similar situation, my DMs are open

    all love to all my trans comrades. thanks

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  • [–] 7 points 2 years ago (2 children)

    spoilerI can confidently say that I do not do that. My coping method is to distract myself and not think about it. Of course, this is not healthy and tends to just delay these thoughts until it becomes explosive like you see here. For some reason, researching things as you outlined is simply more damaging to my psyche because it just makes me feel faker than I already do for some reason.
    Thanks for typing that out though. It does bring comfort and I don't feel alone for once. Whenever I come in here, it just seems like a bunch of people enjoying their early days of HRT and being so happy. Then I look at myself and see a few years of HRT and two GAS and just feel miserable. It's hard to find people to relate to on the surface because the circumstances are entirely different for the most part it seems. It's painful. I wish I could be so optimistic as I was in that first year.

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  • [–] 5 points 2 years ago (1 child)

    if you've read this much you already know why this is hiddenGod that's so real. I'm like almost 4 or 5 years on HRT myself and I remember when I started, seeing people post timelines and feeling so much like anxious hope looking forward to seeing so much change. And now I'm where they were or further and I look at myself and so often I just see a slightly older and softer version of the same person with the same face and the same build... and yeah sometimes it feels like I drew the short stick there. for some people, looking in, it seems like it happens so fast and effortlessly. But logically I know that isn't necessarily true. That they're probably only showing their best and editing out the rest, and that they probably feel the same way about themselves at least sometimes, and that largely we're all in the same boat in terms of the ideas about gender and sex that we're surrounded by and ultimately internalize. But it's cold comfort when I still feel, inadequate I guess? In my own head I still feel less "real" than them somehow. But yeah, that definitely isn't just a you thing.

    I think part of it might be that online trans spaces can skew kinda young, both in age and in like transition time. I think a lot of the older people might end up feeling similar to us and just leaving, maybe with better real life support networks than they had when they first started and needed to find that online.

    Anyway, I'm rambling now. I'm glad my stupid words could be some use. I hope you start to feel better soon, it's been nice sharing this discussion with someone else who's been through similar stuff, I rarely get to talk to someone else who really knows how that feels

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  • [–] 2 points 2 years ago

    They really were and I greatly appreciate all of your posts. If you ever want to have a discussion in the future, feel free to PM me or whatever. I'm slowly coming out of the tunnel, but I'd be more than happy to have a good talk. meow-hug

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