this post was submitted on 12 Jan 2025
988 points (99.2% liked)

The Onion

4811 readers
1127 users here now

The Onion

A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.

Great Satire Writing:

founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
[email protected]
[email protected]
988
FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States (theonion.com)
submitted 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
60 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

“We have intercepted electronic communication indicating that al-Qaeda members are actively plotting to stay out of the way while America as we know it gradually crumbles under the weight of its own self-inflicted debt and disrepair,” FBI Deputy Director Mark F. Giuliano told the assembled press corps. “If this plan succeeds, it will leave behind a nation with a completely dysfunctional economy, collapsing infrastructure, and a catastrophic health crisis afflicting millions across the nation. We want to emphasize that this danger is very real.”

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] [email protected] 70 points 2 days ago (4 children)

https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2004/11/1/full-transcript-of-bin-ladins-speech

All that we have mentioned has made it easy for us to provoke and bait this administration. All that we have to do is to send two mujahidin to the furthest point east to raise a piece of cloth on which is written al-Qaida, in order to make the generals race there to cause America to suffer human, economic, and political losses without their achieving for it anything of note other than some benefits for their private companies.

... al-Qaida spent $500,000 on the event, while America, in the incident and its aftermath, lost – according to the lowest estimate – more than $500 billion.

Meaning that every dollar of al-Qaida defeated a million dollars by the permission of Allah, besides the loss of a huge number of jobs.

As for the size of the economic deficit, it has reached record astronomical numbers estimated to total more than a trillion dollars.

He goaded us into defeating ourselves, and it worked.

[–] [email protected] 59 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Congratulations to terror for winning the war on terror once again

[–] [email protected] 25 points 2 days ago

Joining the ranks of drugs and crime

[–] [email protected] 22 points 2 days ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 11 points 2 days ago (2 children)

Was Vietnam a threat to the West? Was Iraq a threat to the West? Was Afghanistan a threat to the West? Are Palestine or Lebanon threats to the West?

As bin Laden said, the US loves to open another war front. It doesnt matter if people in a place ever heard of the US. The US will find reasons to go there and bomb there if the people just want to be left alone and not suck on the dick of the empire.

And like every empire in decline the US and their fascist pitbull Israel are overextending while alienating more and more of their allies through constant aggression.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Bin Laden was working for the Americans before he was working against them.

Guy saw regime change from the inside out, both as a US backed ~~terrorist~~ freedom fighter and a Saudi Prince.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 days ago

Bro you're sounding like a real threat to the West right now.

Out of curiosity, do you have any oil or commies nearby?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 days ago

Been arguing for over 20 years that al queda won. It’s so obvious to anyone paying attention.

[–] [email protected] -1 points 2 days ago

Meaning that every dollar of al-Qaida defeated a million dollars by the permission of Allah, besides the loss of a huge number of jobs.

Somehow I feel like the American economy is better at recouping those losses than the Al-Qaeda economy lol