askchapo

i really don't know. i was forced to live here for 10 years bc family (hated every moment of it), managed to escape to NYC when the pandemic unemployment assistance was paying me more than the multiple jobs ive ever had, and then almost exactly a year ago ended up back here at my parents because i could no longer sustain myself.

i'm very very glad i moved there because i grew SO much as a person, learned and felt and experienced an insane amount, and just generally opened my eyes to a lot of things. but it's a place that is almost impossible to survive alone. i had a pretty harsh experience just trying to find places to live that weren't temporary, dealing living with completely random people and their questionable choices, and just feeling completely, completely alone (on top of the limits of living on a very small amount of savings). i somehow ended up landing my dream job that usually requires a specific degree and i don't have any degree off the strength of my application, and i still miss aspects of that job sometimes, but the pay put me barely above the poverty line, and after 2 years i realized my body and mind could not sustain working full time hours for that amount of compensation. attempts to build and find community were impassed by the transient and insanely capitalistic nature of the city, though NYC natives are some of the best and most interesting people i've shared space with and i met some great people. but it's hard to make things stick when you are struggling on all ends and have no base or support to begin with. even just finding a place to live even after getting a job was a nightmare because everyone wants you to make a crazy amount more than the rent and have credit, and moving every 6 months to a cramped tiny slumlord building and living with random people whom are older than you but were never taught how to clean or communicate gets really really tiring. also the gentrification is disgusting.

so at first i decided i would nomad around for a while and hope that would lead me somewhere but eventually after 3 states and another country i ran out of couches to crash on and money to feed myself + realized i was just trying to run and run and run but no end in sight. i reluctantly slinked back to my parents and told myself it would be temporary less than a month but i'm still here.

i'm sure i don't have to tell you why i don't like living here. the people are brainwormed to the max, social isolation is much higher, you're almost entirely car dependent, horrible infrastructure, just a generally devoid place to live outside from some pockets. like i am lucky that my parents live in a more dense than average texas area that is also an ethnic enclave. but that doesn't shield me from the horrible legislation, the education systems, the privatization, christian supremacy, bad city planning. and i need to get tf away from my family. i haven't been working here because the job availability is awful and the pay is terrible and i'm not eager to deal with racist ableist transphobic or misogynistic, disrespectful ass people for that low a bar anymore.

if i have to stay in the united states, i would love to live somewhere on the hudson river valley. it checks everything i look for in a place; leftist and queer friendly (relatively speaking), decent empoc community size, elevations/mountains, water, lakes, beautiful scenery, full seasons. but it is really expensive and i still wouldn't really know anyone, but it would be a lot easier to navigate that. and should i want i can train down to the city for a weekend or something. i liked living in the bronx quite a bit as well, i wouldn't mind setting up shop there.

if possible it would be cool to live somewhere in asia or africa... that would be amazing given the opportunity

but ultimately, i am not a picky person. i have been through a lot of rough waters, some self imposed but most not. i could live literally anywhere if i had people that loved me and a community that saw me for me, accepted me, and uplifted me. i would have a lot to offer back to that community as well. and i would live anywhere that offered me a chance to contribute in my field (music). but as of now these all seem like very distant, far fetched ideas to me unfortunately, and i'm really just some kid who's stuck in this place forever. but i've been fighting and i'll continue to fight to figure something out that isn't here.

sorry if that was more than you asked for. would luv any thoughts or ideas