this post was submitted on 03 Aug 2024
61 points (100.0% liked)

Main

15768 readers
704 users here now

THE MAIN RULE: ALL TEXT POSTS MUST CONTAIN "MAIN" OR BE ENTIRELY IMAGES (INLINE OR EMOJI)

(Temporary moratorium on main rule to encourage more posting on main. We reserve the right to arbitrarily enforce it whenever we wish and the right to strike this line and enforce mainposting with zero notification to the users because its funny)

A hexbear.net commainity. Main sure to subscribe to other communities as well. Your feed will become the Lion's Main!

Good comrades mainly sort posts by hot and comments by new!


gun-unity State-by-state guide on maintaining firearm ownership

guaido Domain guide on mutual aid and foodbank resources

smoker-on-the-balcony Tips for looking at financials of non-profits (How to donate amainly)

frothingfash Community-sourced megapost on the main media sources to radicalize libs and chuds with

just-a-theory An Amainzing Organizing Story

feminism Main Source for Feminism for Babies

data-revolutionary Maintaining OpSec / Data Spring Cleaning guide


ussr-cry Remain up to date on what time is it in Moscow

founded 4 years ago
MODERATORS
 

So I've been in a relationship for a while where it feels like I am much better at navigating my partner's feelings and supporting them in hard times than they are for me. I'll give a recent example of what I mean, and here I should put a content warning for a deceased pet.

My partner's last childhood dog recently passed away, she was getting pretty old and was in failing health for a bit. When she died it wasn't a terrible shock but it was very sad. My partner got some remembrances from the cremation and upon receiving them was very upset. They didn't want to just hide the remembrances away somewhere because it felt disrespectful but also couldn't deal with it at that time. So I stepped in, said, OK, I'll take them, they're going to be kept out in the open, not hidden, but I will hold them for you until you're ready to reach a more permanent solution. Pretty good response if you ask me.

Now flip the script, say I'm the one in need. My partner doesn't have anything other than cliches or proposed solutions to my problems that clearly aren't well thought out and are effectively useless. I feel very unsupported emotionally a lot of the time.

But it isn't just this relationship. I feel this throughout my life. I've wondered at times if this is a performed gender roles sort of thing. I'm a man and nobody has said to me directly "you're a man just don't have problems lmao" but it does at times feel like we are dancing around that implication. I don't know. Just curious if other people have experienced this because I'm sick of needing to be the mature party in my relationships. If I cut off everyone that made me feel this way I'd be alone.

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] [email protected] 21 points 3 months ago (2 children)

If you haven't already, start by communicating that you need more and different kinds of emotional support from your partner. They deserve a chance to develop this skill. If they're not able or willing to meet your needs, you're not a good fit. I learned this the hard way. But you deserve someone who can meet your emotional support needs.

As far as the other non-romantic relationships go, you don't have to cut people off, but you should find other, more empathetic people to lean on. I have very close friends that I know will be there for me when I need emotional support. I also have other good friends who aren't as good at it, and we get along just fine and bond over shared interests.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 months ago

Thanks - I have been communicating about this and maybe there has been some improvement. But we have been together a long time, so the fact that I'm not even sure things have improved is a bad sign. I will keep putting in the best effort I can though as long as I'm in the relationship. It's tricky because I can tell my partner has a good core that wants to help me, but she can't get to that emotional place that lets her connect due to her own anxieties. I can see a path where we support each other but right now I would say her needs are getting met significantly more than my own, and I'm scared that I will talk myself into staying even if I shouldn't.

you should find other, more empathetic people to lean on.

Yeah you're right, it's probably a numbers game. You can't gel with everyone. I've just been dealt a very rough hand for the last few years and it feels hopeless but it's only hopeless if we give up.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I'm on the other side of this sort of situation and I think this is a good way to approach it at first.

I have a hard time opening up to people and I recognize that. But recognizing it and acting on it are two different things. So to the OP give them that push and let them know that you want more from them. They may already know that they aren't giving you enough. Right now I have to deal with the worst feeling of having someone I really cared about and had feelings for distance themselves from me because I didn't really give it my all. And I was hoping she'd let me know, but she didn't. And I don't blame her for that if course. It's just more difficult for some of us than others to fully express ourselves.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I can imagine it is hard to know what you need to do and for whatever reason feel that it's out of reach. My partner has expressed the same feeling to me and, quite frankly, taken moments of great pain for me and made them about her feelings of inadequacy for not knowing how to support me. There are a lot of traps to walk into here.

I will keep communicating, I will keep trying for as long as it makes sense to. I just am running out of ways to say "please help me or at least don't make this worse".

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 months ago

Ah I see. If it's a pattern then, yeah, I can see how each time you'd feel worse. Like it's out there, but I think it's fair that you'd want to see some sort of growth too.