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Anyone else feel that their direction in life is more related to being what "they're supposed to do" rather than any conviction or desire to pursue it? (hexbear.net)

submitted 4 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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Title mostly.

I'm doing fine right now, had an argument with my brother but overall I got my path forward ironed out, but I can't shake the feeling that all of what I do is just some pathological need to stumble forward into what I'm supposed to do but rather than actually being a meaningful calling or direction.

Maybe I'm just depressed.

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Is it a threadcrap to say no? If yes disregard this and sorry

I'm probably too autistic (and gay) (and etc) I guess but I cannot recall any time anybody ever had expectations of me. Even before my last year of highschool my mother either didn't want or couldn't afford to send me to college, to pretend that I was normal and put expectations onto me or whatever. That was long before she realised how many shades of "brainfunny queer" I am.

I just kind of drifted until I became an adult I guess. The only thing I can think of is my dad once implied I'd be a husband to some woman when I grew up, when I was like 10. Once I tried picturing myself in that role and it was immediately obvious to me that that wasn't real. It was obvious to me then that I was a weird fucker and would not be the Handsome Husband, even if I didn't know what a gender was yet.

I just got kicked out after I graduated highschool, which was whatever. Couchsurfed for a bit, moved in with dad, met my now-wife, got a job, and even by that point which was several years ago it was clear I was never going to have anything like a normal life or anyone expecting anything of me, the idea was laughable to me.

I guess the thrust of this is "queer temporality" + "autistic obliviousness", in short. No person I've ever met ever really had the notion to expect things of me though, even back when I'd been told I was just a normal straight boy, everyone from random family friends to authority figures in school seemed to just intuitively perceive that I was a fucking freak automatically, like they could smell it coming off me, that I was apparently so far outside of societal expectations. In a given year I barely make progress, thanks but keeping my head above water is struggle enough for me, no room for pathological needs to stumble forward. I also can't feel a strong enough calling to anything to follow it. I have stuff I want to do, but it's not viable as labour to sell under capitalism so I'm just in survival mode.

If this reads like I'm angry at OP or something, I'm not, weirdly this subject does agitate me somewhat though. I don't desire to have thing expected of me, so Idk why.