this post was submitted on 21 Jun 2024
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I honestly don’t have any direction in life. Many people I know my age have high level positions or expertise and multi year outlook and plans, and we’ve barely hit 20 a few years ago. The only thing I think about in advanced is whether I’m going to sleep early or late.
If I did what was expected of me, I would be married with a family by now. Instead I’m materially okay and likely will be in the future, but I am just extremely lonely and have no desirable qualities outside of keeping a job.
People say that you should live for yourself and be happy with yourself first and everything else falls into place. All sound advice. But my desire is to be desired by others, and I don’t think any amount of hobbies or muscles or money will ever fill that hole. Everything else is meaningless to me; job, passion, wealth, politics, life itself.
“Comparison is the killer of joy” - sure, but when I have 0 comparable milestones to my peers, i don’t even know why I bother finding direction.
Right? Like realistically I'm doing fine and I think my personality is fine and I think I could find a life partner. I think I could find hobbies I like and develop them, but goddamn looking at it from where I am just feels vapid and denying the real situation of the world.
I need a revolution to go die in but also I'm a coward
It’s good you’re still thinking about the world. It has sucked all joy and optimism from me. At this point I’m not even thinking about the injustices and inequality of the world. I’m just thinking about myself, and I can’t imagine the situation changing regardless of who’s in charge.
I’ve thought about joining the military back in high school for a sense of belonging and relationships. Then I quickly realized how shitty these people are. Anyway, I don’t deserve a heroic death
It’s funny, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my general social skills. People are comfortable around me in about every situation, they compliment me, find me funny, seek my advice and musings. But it’s when I try to elevate it to an actual, meaningful relationship that I lose all my senses. All of a sudden I don’t know what to say, and because of that I lose my desire to be around them.
Bro are you me? Haha that part at the end is so relatable. Thanks for sharing that. Misery loves company as the saying goes