I don’t really know where to ask this.

I need to work on my self-esteem issues, a lot of which are caused by my home life. I’m “not logical”, clumsy, dumb, not smart, etc.

But they call me smart when it comes to my schoolwork as in, “You’re smart, you can do your work.” When I’m stressed.

My family wants me to be perfect and I’m just not.

They make jokes when I’m upset, and when I’m upset or try to tell them, I’m “too sensitive” and they go on about how insecure and how weak I am.

I broke up with my partner. They said I was too sensitive and insecure because I was upset about having to block the person. One of them laughed and said “You’re still upset?” When it happened 30 minutes before they said that.

Even my sister puts me down or calls me names sometimes to fit in.

My brain is always pretty bored and jumps from language to language, so I learn a bit of Language A, then Language B, then switch back and forth. French has shorter chapters on the app I learn it with, Busuu, and I already know a good amount of Spanish (which I study in school) and Portuguese. However, while Italian might cause me to mix up Spanish, Portuguese, and Italian, it's easier to pronounce. It also, however, has longer lessons on Busuu.

French is spoken in many countries, though, and I'm also LGBTQ if that makes any difference, since some people study languages from countries that don't support/respect the group they're part of.

cross-posted from: https://thelemmy.club/post/55106938

They didn’t give me that much affection, but I still miss said affection and good times. I know we’re still young, but I’ve been really upset in the relationship. From their point of view, I feel like I was a mean person who did them wrong and just abandoned them when I was closest to them, and I understand if they hate me now and talk behind my back and all their friends hate me.

They told me some weird things like that I couldn’t be aromantic because I was too young (said person also identifies as aromantic despite being a year younger than me) and that I’m just autistic so I don’t understand love.

They’ve been insensitive and laughed when I was upset and kept saying “LOL LOL” or similar stuff.

I do feel bad, but they wouldn’t listen when I wanted to break up. They’d convince me to stay, get mad at me, and act like it was my fault or try to make me feel bad for wanting to break up.

We’ve been friends since I was in like 7th grade, so this really does suck. They always seemed like they were this very progressive human rights activist too, but when it comes to me, I’m a confused girl…

They didn’t give me that much affection, but I still miss said affection and good times. I know we’re still young, but I’ve been really upset in the relationship. From their point of view, I feel like I was a mean person who did them wrong and just abandoned them when I was closest to them, and I understand if they hate me now and talk behind my back and all their friends hate me.

They told me some weird things like that I couldn’t be aromantic because I was too young (said person also identifies as aromantic despite being a year younger than me) and that I’m just autistic so I don’t understand love.

They’ve been insensitive and laughed when I was upset and kept saying “LOL LOL” or similar stuff.

I do feel bad, but they wouldn’t listen when I wanted to break up. They’d convince me to stay, get mad at me, and act like it was my fault or try to make me feel bad for wanting to break up.

We’ve been friends since I was in like 7th grade, so this really does suck. They always seemed like they were this very progressive human rights activist too, but when it comes to me, I’m a confused girl…

"I will talk to a therapist because I’m not sure, maybe both? But here’s a bit of what I’ve written down:

I've always had a problem with relationships, maybe it's my autism, maybe not, who knows? But I've always been too "intense" and called crazy or yandere. I need to discuss with a professional, but here are some things I wrote.

"I'm gonna get professional help and find out what's wrong. It'll be hard though since I have autism and I'm a teen and I heard they don't diagnose autistic teens but a person who hates me said that so IDK if I can accept his comments as fact or not, we used to be friends until he started hurting me and being rude.

Anyway, IDK what it could be but I do have problems. If you come here to damage my self-esteem, please don't, but you can share your experiences. I already acknowledge I'm a bad person.

I do respect her boundaries, but I also feel like I can't form a connection with her. She says we're friends, but people have said she wants nothing to do with me and that she's "just being nice", especially since she's an art account who doesn't want to look bad for her fans or whatever. IDK how true that is, but she never knows what to say when I talk to her, but then again she wants me to make art for her, so that means she doesn't hate me, right?

I feel like a disgusting creep like I've been called my whole life by people for being too intense and clingy. I'm insanely obsessive, no joke. And at first, I felt rejected and decided I wouldn't talk to her, but I've calmed down and I'm too attached to cut contact entirely. She said I could message her but not every day and that she'd tell me if she didn't wanna talk. I know it's not her fault, probably not mine, maybe it is, so why do I feel so bad?? Or maybe, why DID I since I'm better now? We're friends regardless, right? She didn't just outright ghost me and call me names."

“Prone to obsession

Prone to attachment

Self-aware, lucid, doesn’t jump to conclusions when not attached to said person. Would be suspected to be “normal” or without any disorder.

Intense attachment and fixations on people

Non-crystallized sense of self

Derealization at times or “shifting” into my favorite character

All-or-nothing attachment

I can see you as a normal person one day, and the next you’re everything to me.

I stay online anxiously waiting for your text, I can flip my lid if rejected and go to thinking “they hate me!!! And they want me to SUFFER!!!” Attachment is source of stress and can cause anger but also happiness. I will find reasons to not like you or think you’re mean even if I like you at the same time.

Impulsive and indulgent, won’t pull away from something or someone that makes me happy.

Doesn’t self-harm but thinks about it when having intense emotions (used to impulsively hit/punch arms or head but then got on medication and seems to maybe be calmer but symptoms/signs are still there)” (therapy notes)"

AND I WAS TALKING TO AN EDD FICTIONKIN AND HE REMEMBERS HEARING IT ALL THE WAY FROM HIS ROOM.

I love him so much and I love being fictionkin of him.

I'm trying to use Reddit less. I hate venting about another platform, but I needed to talk about this. If I mention that I have signs of a mental illness even ON the sub for people with said disorder, they downvote the crap out of me and others.

I got made fun of for posting artwork with a gay fictional couple cuddling.

If I dare talk about my writing or something that seems to be "dark" to express myself and how I feel, I get downvoted to hell.

I got downvoted for mentioning that I was trans on a TRANS sub.

So, I've always had gender dysphoria even when I was 8, since I really loved the idea of wearing my dad's clothes or anything labeled "men's"/"boy's". I wanted to hang out with the boys, couldn't fit in with girls, etc. When I got my hair cut, I thought I'd look more like a boy, so it made me happy. This was before I even knew what transgender was. I used the word "tomboy" because that's what everyone called me and what I thought people like me were. But "girl" didn't feel right. And I HATED being called "femme"/"feminine". I only became comfortable with femininity after I was sure I was a boy and seeing myself as just a boy who likes being effeminate.

I always wanted to be like a strong, manly hero. Or just a man in general.

Anyway, when people kept calling me a girl and stuff, I detransitioned (desisted). But, of course, the dysphoria kept coming back. Anyway, I thought I was a lesbian and couldn't see myself with men, especially due to how I was treated as a woman by men. I couldn't fit in with girls who gushed over guys and wanted to be their girlfriends.

Well, ever since I rediscovered myself, I at first thought I was straight, and maybe my brain can't accept being straight or what, but I was thinking that I didn't care honestly what gender they were. I've been thinking a lot more about male characters in a romantic way and I'm even starting to find one of them hot again like when I used to yumeship with him.

I won't go into too much detail, just in general, I've even been interested in fanfiction with two men (yaoi/BL) and while they made me uncomfortable while identifying as a woman, I'm sorta fine with it now??? People (usually friends) have asked me to write stories or do art for them, and since most of my friends are women who like yaoi (and are comfortable with being women), most of my art/writing is MLM. I actually enjoy doing it and it inspires me to do more.

I still consider myself to be ace, but it seems more like while I might be pan/bi-oriented, I feel physically attracted to women to some extent (but I don't really fantasize about doing anything) and IDK about men since they obviously don't look like cartoon characters, but IDK. But I definitely feel something to male characters, and I sometimes pretend I'm another character ruffling his hair or something or waking up next to him. It's weird, though, because I don't feel anything for now or fantasize about anything even more romantic like making out or kissing.

So I'm gonna name him Xavier and he has a full story about his gender dysphoria. Basically, since he's my self-insert, his future self would probably be more comfortable with long hair and femboy clothes or whatever since he'd be on T for a while and pass, but I'm making his current self 16.

He lives with his transphobic family but he wants to look feminine in a "male way" and cut his hair to alleviate dysphoria and look more manly but he still wants to be feminine, if that makes sense.

Even if you don't have them but relate, feel free to share. Even if you can't relate and just want to listen, that's fine, too. When I get an attachment, I want to BE a part of their body. I'm crazy and obsessive. I suspect BPD but don't know if I 100% have it, especially since I'm young, but I've always had an unstable or undefined sense of identity.

Even if I'm sure I'm a trans man, for example, one of my attachments was a cis woman who used to be trans a while ago before realizing it wasn't her and feeling dysphoric after identifying as a femboy. I'm trying to get over said attachment and be normal around people like her, but something in me thought it'd be the answer if I too was cis and a detransitioner and even though it's not me to be a girl, I wanted to repress my identity for a bit so I could be a woman, but then I see that I'm a man and repressing just makes it come back and the dysphoria doesn't go away at all.