"I will talk to a therapist because I’m not sure, maybe both? But here’s a bit of what I’ve written down:

I've always had a problem with relationships, maybe it's my autism, maybe not, who knows? But I've always been too "intense" and called crazy or yandere. I need to discuss with a professional, but here are some things I wrote.

"I'm gonna get professional help and find out what's wrong. It'll be hard though since I have autism and I'm a teen and I heard they don't diagnose autistic teens but a person who hates me said that so IDK if I can accept his comments as fact or not, we used to be friends until he started hurting me and being rude.

Anyway, IDK what it could be but I do have problems. If you come here to damage my self-esteem, please don't, but you can share your experiences. I already acknowledge I'm a bad person.

I do respect her boundaries, but I also feel like I can't form a connection with her. She says we're friends, but people have said she wants nothing to do with me and that she's "just being nice", especially since she's an art account who doesn't want to look bad for her fans or whatever. IDK how true that is, but she never knows what to say when I talk to her, but then again she wants me to make art for her, so that means she doesn't hate me, right?

I feel like a disgusting creep like I've been called my whole life by people for being too intense and clingy. I'm insanely obsessive, no joke. And at first, I felt rejected and decided I wouldn't talk to her, but I've calmed down and I'm too attached to cut contact entirely. She said I could message her but not every day and that she'd tell me if she didn't wanna talk. I know it's not her fault, probably not mine, maybe it is, so why do I feel so bad?? Or maybe, why DID I since I'm better now? We're friends regardless, right? She didn't just outright ghost me and call me names."

“Prone to obsession

Prone to attachment

Self-aware, lucid, doesn’t jump to conclusions when not attached to said person. Would be suspected to be “normal” or without any disorder.

Intense attachment and fixations on people

Non-crystallized sense of self

Derealization at times or “shifting” into my favorite character

All-or-nothing attachment

I can see you as a normal person one day, and the next you’re everything to me.

I stay online anxiously waiting for your text, I can flip my lid if rejected and go to thinking “they hate me!!! And they want me to SUFFER!!!” Attachment is source of stress and can cause anger but also happiness. I will find reasons to not like you or think you’re mean even if I like you at the same time.

Impulsive and indulgent, won’t pull away from something or someone that makes me happy.

Doesn’t self-harm but thinks about it when having intense emotions (used to impulsively hit/punch arms or head but then got on medication and seems to maybe be calmer but symptoms/signs are still there)” (therapy notes)"

AND I WAS TALKING TO AN EDD FICTIONKIN AND HE REMEMBERS HEARING IT ALL THE WAY FROM HIS ROOM.

I love him so much and I love being fictionkin of him.

I'm trying to use Reddit less. I hate venting about another platform, but I needed to talk about this. If I mention that I have signs of a mental illness even ON the sub for people with said disorder, they downvote the crap out of me and others.

I got made fun of for posting artwork with a gay fictional couple cuddling.

If I dare talk about my writing or something that seems to be "dark" to express myself and how I feel, I get downvoted to hell.

I got downvoted for mentioning that I was trans on a TRANS sub.

So, I've always had gender dysphoria even when I was 8, since I really loved the idea of wearing my dad's clothes or anything labeled "men's"/"boy's". I wanted to hang out with the boys, couldn't fit in with girls, etc. When I got my hair cut, I thought I'd look more like a boy, so it made me happy. This was before I even knew what transgender was. I used the word "tomboy" because that's what everyone called me and what I thought people like me were. But "girl" didn't feel right. And I HATED being called "femme"/"feminine". I only became comfortable with femininity after I was sure I was a boy and seeing myself as just a boy who likes being effeminate.

I always wanted to be like a strong, manly hero. Or just a man in general.

Anyway, when people kept calling me a girl and stuff, I detransitioned (desisted). But, of course, the dysphoria kept coming back. Anyway, I thought I was a lesbian and couldn't see myself with men, especially due to how I was treated as a woman by men. I couldn't fit in with girls who gushed over guys and wanted to be their girlfriends.

Well, ever since I rediscovered myself, I at first thought I was straight, and maybe my brain can't accept being straight or what, but I was thinking that I didn't care honestly what gender they were. I've been thinking a lot more about male characters in a romantic way and I'm even starting to find one of them hot again like when I used to yumeship with him.

I won't go into too much detail, just in general, I've even been interested in fanfiction with two men (yaoi/BL) and while they made me uncomfortable while identifying as a woman, I'm sorta fine with it now??? People (usually friends) have asked me to write stories or do art for them, and since most of my friends are women who like yaoi (and are comfortable with being women), most of my art/writing is MLM. I actually enjoy doing it and it inspires me to do more.

I still consider myself to be ace, but it seems more like while I might be pan/bi-oriented, I feel physically attracted to women to some extent (but I don't really fantasize about doing anything) and IDK about men since they obviously don't look like cartoon characters, but IDK. But I definitely feel something to male characters, and I sometimes pretend I'm another character ruffling his hair or something or waking up next to him. It's weird, though, because I don't feel anything for now or fantasize about anything even more romantic like making out or kissing.

So I'm gonna name him Xavier and he has a full story about his gender dysphoria. Basically, since he's my self-insert, his future self would probably be more comfortable with long hair and femboy clothes or whatever since he'd be on T for a while and pass, but I'm making his current self 16.

He lives with his transphobic family but he wants to look feminine in a "male way" and cut his hair to alleviate dysphoria and look more manly but he still wants to be feminine, if that makes sense.

Even if you don't have them but relate, feel free to share. Even if you can't relate and just want to listen, that's fine, too. When I get an attachment, I want to BE a part of their body. I'm crazy and obsessive. I suspect BPD but don't know if I 100% have it, especially since I'm young, but I've always had an unstable or undefined sense of identity.

Even if I'm sure I'm a trans man, for example, one of my attachments was a cis woman who used to be trans a while ago before realizing it wasn't her and feeling dysphoric after identifying as a femboy. I'm trying to get over said attachment and be normal around people like her, but something in me thought it'd be the answer if I too was cis and a detransitioner and even though it's not me to be a girl, I wanted to repress my identity for a bit so I could be a woman, but then I see that I'm a man and repressing just makes it come back and the dysphoria doesn't go away at all.

So, I need to see a psychiatrist and I'm quite young. Therefore, I can't say for sure that I 100% have BPD. However, I suspect it. Other people say I "act like" I have it. The closest people to me who understand me and aren't driven away are also suspecting themselves to have BPD or have it.

I've always been super intense, though. And I'm very calm and stable around people I'm not attached to, by the way. If I wasn't attached to you, you'd never suspect me of having that disorder.

However, it's a whole different story when I AM attached. You'll see a completely different side of me. I'm working on it, but I feel the need to talk all the time and be around you like a drug. If it gets too intense, I'll feel upset that I'm NOT you or not fused with you in the same body. Yes, I know I need help, but I'm just sharing my experiences and seeing if anyone can relate or provide insight.

My friend with medically recognized BPD says it sounded a lot like him, especially when he first started noticing the symptoms.

He told me to look at the DSM, but I won't self-diagnose obviously and say I 100% have BPD because "Dr. Reddit" told me.

"Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5)" - Yes. I have abandonment issues and am obsession-prone.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating between extremes of idealisation and devaluation - I'd say so. I can switch between, of course, wanting to be part of you, but it stresses me out so much that I also find reasons to think you're a mean person who hates me or others.

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self - Yes. I always had a "fragmented"/"fluid" sense of self.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5) - I don't think so.

Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour - Suicidal ideation. I used to guilt trip others or post how I was gonna do something bad to myself.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) - Probably.

Chronic feelings of emptiness - Not sure because sometimes I'm not good at finding myself.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g. frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) - Used to have anger out bursts but the medication seems to make it better.

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms" - Dissociation, yes. (Depersonalization or whatever)

Anyway, I get into "parasocial" relationships sometimes or have intense feelings (non-romantic or sexual) for people online. I know it sounds creepy, I'm not trying to be. I'll see anyone who shows a bit of kindness to me as my best friend and want to share everything with them. If they tell me to not text them so much, like yesterday, I see it as a rejection and try to avoid feeling guilty about it by being like "Oh, it's just her loss".

This is because the extreme guilt will damage my self-worth and I won't be able to live with myself.

I'm a bad person, I know. FML.

Do NOT come here to criticize me or call me a bad person, I'm just sharing my experiences and seeing who can relate.

so obviously, there's a lot of headcanons where people will say certain characters are trans or non-binary, and a lot of people will say "trans pride" or "trans rights".

well, what about the cis people and the cis detransitioners who say "cis/detrans rights" "cis/detrans pride"? i've been lately seeing more things where people will headcanon their favorite characters as cis detransitioners.

im fine with detransitioners and cis people, i don't really mind. but i guess i'm confused for some reason as a trans man... also, i don't really understand the cis pride/rights thing because they're not a minority, but detrans i can sorta understand because they're cis but they have experiences that aren't unique to all cis people but also not all trans people (since they detransition)

i guess, maybe deep down, i wish i could be cis... i wish detransition worked for me...

Yes, I want to become the living, breathing version of that character and I get euphoria acting like them. If you're just going to be rude about it, though, do not ask me anything. Only ask if you're genuinely curious.

This is gonna sound really stupid to non-knowledgeable people... but it's true. I have autism. The reason I mention this is because I believe it has something to do with it.

I never felt a true sense of identity due to being outcasted. I was always seen as different because, well, I was. I'm neurodivergent, after all. I also grew up without the words to describe how I was feeling until I was older due to having an unaccepting family and "support" system, but I also have gender dysphoria so I always grew up feeling like I was in the wrong body. I always felt like I had the "brain of a boy".

I would be happy when someone called me boyish or whatever because it felt more like me than "girly", "femme", "feminine", and the like.

Anyway, I got really hyperfixated on the TV show called Eddsworld. I had the idea to do a reenactment of the characters where me, my childhood friend, and his friend would do something together but AS the characters. The friend was Tom/Edd because there were only 3 people and 4 characters. My childhood friend was Tord. I was Matt.

I see a lot of myself in Matt.

And yes, they are based on real people, but I always saw myself as the CHARACTER called Matt, not his counterpart/actor. I don't feel like I share a soul with a real person who doesn't even know I exist or anything like that.

Well, to "Tord" and let's say "Tom" (he acted a lot like Tom), it was an act. It was a persona or mask. To me, it was more. Matt felt like PART of me.

I really enjoyed the reenactments so much that I would feel euphoria embodying Matt and it became a problem where teachers would misinterpret my intentions and think I was just delusional and told me to "just stop embodying him" because it wasn't "normal".

To this day, I still feel like him... and I also discovered I feel even more like Tord. I have my own version of him and I made him my own version, and sometimes I get "glimpses" into Eddsworld where he's (I'm?) with his (my?) friends.

Sometimes, the overstimulation gets very strong when I feel like Matt, for example, and it also feels like I'm looking into a mirror or in a way, watching a recording of myself.

But I don't have any Dissociative Identity. I don't "remove" myself from the character, he's part of me, my identity, and personality. We are intertwined. And I know I don't look like him or anything like that, it just gives me euphoria when I imagine myself as him or embody him. To me, a delusion would be to genuinely believe without question that I had his appearance or something, when I don't.