1. Be cool

2. You don’t want to live on the compound

3. Always take the Interior Minister position

4. Never give up your nukes

5. You can pronounce a name in any way you want

6. Don’t delete the dick pic

7. If someone with a gun enters your car, they’re gonna kill you

8. If someone tells you they’re not going to kill you, they’re calming you down to kill you later

9. Never release political prisoners to placate the protesters

10. Never let the opposition delay elections

11. If you’re going to join a cult, leave the kids at home

12. Create your own private police force

13. Always pay your mercenaries

14. If someone starts to get into German runes, drop them

15. Always get it in writing

16. Never put it in writing

17. You never have to answer the question you’re asked

18. Never trust a South American with a German name

19. Never move anywhere for a religion

20. Always disavow

21. You want your situation to be precedented

22. Elections should only be done by paper ballots hand counted in public

23. Never get in a helicopter (or small plane)

24. If you get fired, just continue to show up

25. Always check the medicine cabinets

26. When someone asks you a question that you don’t want to answer, you can just say “it’s for legal reasons,

” or “I signed an NDA”

27. NDAs are fake

28. The coalition always fractures

29. If you’re funny, you can say anything

30. If someone’s trying to get you to commit a crime, they’re FBI

31. Never become an FBI informant

32. If you do become an FBI informant, record everything

33. Never record any kind of meeting, unless it’s with the police

34. Never talk to cops without a lawyer

35. If someone always has a new hat, they’ve got something to hide

36. Always keep your dollars in money

37. The world is run on groupchats

38. You should not be in a groupchat

39. Never say anything on the in-office communique

40. If you’re pushing through a land reform program on behalf of the

peasantry, do it really quickly and without telling anyone first 41. Never trust a Cuban exile in the greater DFW metropolitan area 42. If you keep gambling you’ll eventually win 43. Don’t fuck your roommate 44. Keep your hand on the gun the whole time 45. Don’t associate yourself with acts of terror 46. Don’t ever implicate yourself in any kind of child abuse and/or

cannibalism case

47. Don’t let anyone take your passport

48. Always shoot first

49. Read the room

50. Never let a woman see you play video games

51. Do not invite the journalist to the party

52. Don’t talk to journalists, ever

53. Don’t ever host a party

54. If you’re taken hostage, decide whether it’ll be more lucrative to join the kidnappers or to continue as a hostage and sell your story rights later

55. If Congress calls you to testify, you don’t have to go

56. Always secure the water rights

57. Know who your guys are and always take care of them

58. If, in a contentious interim mayoral race, a surprise “caretaker”

candidate promises not to run again, don’t believe them

59. Once a year go through your underwear & throw out what you don’t like

60. Learn the art of distraction

61. Don’t talk about the coup in public

62. Don’t smoke marijuana out of a pen, smoke it out of a pipe or a bong

63. Get a better lawyer (preferably a former prosecutor)

64. Always pay your taxes

65. Never deal with an explosives expert

66. If you ever hear the word safe haven, someone's trying to bullshit you

67. If a photographer gives you a funny prop, don’t use it in a photo shoot

68. When you pick up a hitchhiker, point a gun at them the whole time

69. First thing you do when you have a coup, get on the radio

70. If you sentence a guy to death, shoot him the next day

71. Never overexplain when yes or no suffices

72. If you are involved in any kind of arrangement with multiple Maurizios, it’s gonna turn out badly for you

73. Never go into the sewers unless you’re a sewer guy

74. Always throw the fight and take the money

75. Get a small circle of advisors

76. Before protesting, pause and ask if you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired

77. If you are a renowned author, you need a bunker

78. If you have weapons of mass destruction, never decommission

79. As a journalist, the best question to ask is,

“why does chaos reign now?” 80. If you’re no longer allowed to use the bank, don’t use someone else’s

account, unbank yourself

81. Anytime the FBI foils anything, it’s fake

82. If your money’s in something with 3 initials (ie FBI pension fund), take it out

83. Everybody snitches

84. If you get busted, serve your time, don’t bring all your friends into it

85. Never go to a second location

86. Always balance your ratio of officers to enlisted

87. Don’t use the presidential credit card to pay off gangs or make suspicious payments to places that might not otherwise receive it

88. Nothing is a gain until it’s realized

89. Don’t let your gains be reversed

90. Never invest in anything that has a name that has to do with the moon

91. When bad news comes out, the first line of defense is that it’s fake.

Second, you were hacked. Third, it’s all farce. Fourth, notes app apology.

92. Don’t go to the sperm bank if it’s in the guy’s basement
93. Don’t be the guy who has the uranium
94. Always make your letter non-binding
95. Everything you say to a journalist is on the record
96. Everyone in the crypto space is always lying
97. Don’t leak your balance sheet
98. Never lock yourself in something
99. Don’t be a creep
100. Always stay on message for yourself