first sober night in this new attempt at a break and uuuuuuh is it possible i was using alcohol to anesthetize my loneliness and my fear of the grinding passage of time and my fear of dying prematurely and my fear of dying in a moment of alienation and alonenness, unconnected to something bigger than myself and also my fear that the feeling that This Isn't Enough will never go away until the day i die and that i'll never have a purpose and my fear of my slowly but surely dimming sense of wonder and awe and beauty in the face of the world and my fear of
SoylentSnake
joined 4 years ago
FINALLY FINISHED 2666 AFTER STARTING EARLY SPRING 2023 
have half of The Road to go....and then Moby Dick and Wretched of the Earth on the to-do list (trying to eat a little theory vegetables as part of the diet) 
the trick to sensing bad vibes/humanborn eldritch horrors is just to have really bad anxiety so you basically sense/see them everywhere. in fact, "anxiety issues" is the language of the oppressor. i call it The Sight.
spoiler
tbh the handful of convos we've had i get an impression of disinterest/maybe mild dislike/forced baseline politeness??? that could just be a mix of my badbrain issues of "i find them attractive they must find me gross" and also of two people who are a little awkward/nervous around new people being awkward/nervous though. (also there's a really dumb part of my brain that finds a certain amount of aloofness/standoffishness attractive in a lady 
)
tbf unless you actually spend time in the zionist entity (god forbid) it's hard to know what kinds of psychospheric disruptions there might be. maybe shared, recurring nightmares are on the rise? stomach flu symptoms despite nothing being measurably, physically wrong? mass cases of temporary face blindness, mysterious lost time/blackouts despite no previous history of mental illness or neurological disorder?
(i don't believe in that stuff either but it's fun to pretend)
i cook for a living
i think you've identified a big part of why right here comrade.
crushposting-lite
think i've developed one of those meaningless/from a distance mini-crushes on someone i Objectively Don't Know Very Well At All. hate these. these are so fuckin dumb. makes low stakes chatting w/ a friendly acquaintance unnecessarily stressful >:(
yeah when i was more "purely drowning my demons" i had really bad quantity control solo, i've recently gotten a better handle on it on average (which is a small win i suppose). honestly being more social might be part of why? like instead of drinking to numb the pain in my heart, i moreso grab a few on the way home from Doing Shit With People to kinda cap off the night/reward myself. which i guess is a healthier reason to solo drink than my previous patterns, though still way too frequent and impacting me negatively in other ways.
ask her which stat she relates to the most (if it's 
you've got a winner)
lmao don't enable me!! i'm actually better about quantity control when im solo
view more: next ›
this shit so ass fr