somewhere, a criminal: Oh man, you mean all I have to do is take my license plate off, dress like a tacticool office worker, put on a mask and I'm just allowed to kidnap people??? SCORE!!!

"Tourists hit cyclist and fled the scene"

... Probably Americans.

reads the very next line

Wow, I'm soooooo surprised. Shocked, even.

Can American tourists not be shit for FIVE MINUTES???

As an American who remembers 2016-2020.....

NO FUCKING SHIT, SHERLOCK

Funny, because I know plenty of people in Ohio who have gone to Canada specifically for better and more affordable medical treatment.

If it hasn't met another living creature in 14,000 years, can it really say it's the baddest thing around?

Sure it says it could kick my ass, but if it's so confident why doesn't it come up here and prove it? Bitch ass horror from the deep...

I would be going to prison or dead shortly after discovering that cops killed my dogs.

I care more about my dogs than I do about the vast majority of humans. And I care about humans way more than cops.

the average Republican voter does not understand

You can just stop there, and be correct about almost any topic.

I had to explain tax brackets to my mother.

She's got a degree to teach math. And I know she actually went to college since I can remember sitting in the back of her classrooms when she couldn't find a babysitter.

She used to do her own taxes and my grandparents taxes.

But, as a teenager, I had to explain why a potential $2 raise doesn't mean she's losing more money in taxes than the raise is giving her.

She also doesn't believe the welfare cliff exists, despite our family being precariously perched atop it when I was in elementary school.

At this point I think she's just heard the same stupid shit repeated over and over, she doesn't even question it anymore.

and what’s with the bruised legs?

Tldr: inattentiveness, bumping into tons of stuff, and only remembering it when you look at the bruise or someone reminds you.

An explanation that's meant to be humorous because it happens to me and my wife all the time:

"Oh my god, where did THIS bruise come from?"

earlier that day

bump "ow, how did I hit the coffee table..."

bump "fuck that hurt, I swear the counter was another 6 inches over"

smash "FUCK the freezer door closes too quickly!"

has to be reminded of these events to remember tham

When you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

And cops are the biggest tools out there.

"The Ronald Reagan Abortion Clinic for Tolerance and Equality"

This definitely reads like one of my KSP exploits...

Damn, I would abandon that lever so hard....

Legit the moment a game pulls this shit on me I lose interest.