Hey all. I am honestly a little apprehensive about posting but I really need the Internet to weigh in.
Me (33F) and my bf (32m) have been together on and off for about 7 yrs for various reasons (the biggest one being COVID). For the purpose of this, let's call him Z. About 2 years ago, me and Z made a huge decision to pick up our lives and move across the country for a better life, a chance to buy a home and start fresh.
I would be lying to say it was not an easy transition to living with each other. We definitely had some spats, many of which were in my side and dealt with a lot of my own insecurities, our past issues, my difficulty communicating my emotions in a moment and his ex being ever present in his life in an uncomfortable way for me. Knowing a lot of my issues were mine alone, I started therapy and meds and have seen a huge change in myself. I still have a lot of work to do. I am not perfect by any means and I would be lying to say I am
Even with my issues, I do try my best daily to remind Z how much I love him and admire him. Z pays for the mortgage and utilities on our home, but I have taken on most tasks and expenses (I cook, clean, do groceries, garbage and pay for the insurance on our vehicles as well as any trips). I try to tell him I love him constantly and I try to show physical affection through kisses, squeezing his hand). Z rarely does any sort of chores or tasks around the home (unless it is something dire or immediate) and spends most of his time on Reddit, talking with his ex or on Facebook.
We do spend time together on the couch watching shows or YouTube and we try to talk about our day or things that interest us, but I often feel out of place as he is on his phone a lot of the time. Z only really kisses me if he is waking up in the morning, leaving for work, going to bed or wanting sex. He rarely kiss me or hugs me without reason. It is rare we will go out on dates nowadays unless we are expected to meet up with people. The last time he wrote me a love letter for over 3 yrs ago and the last gift I received was 2 yrs ago (unless you count the guilty cake he bought 3 days after my birthday because work had stressed him out so much that he didn't have time).
After a stressful week of Z and I having to handle family stress and letting it impact us, I brought up that maybe we should take sometime to put more effort into us and just reconnecting because we have had issues. This started a huge fight in which I was told his effort in dealing with me was not being appreciated. He told me handling me took a lot out of him and he needed days to recover to be around me. He made it clear he didn't want to do anything with me because he just had negative connotations that we would just fight again. He saw his method of separate recovery and communication is the only logical method. He made it clear he was now brutal hurt that I brought this up and didn't feel we had enough affection. To Z, the space was important for him to heal and he needed it to be able to want to show me affection. He even brought up how maybe we should take a break because I was clearly so unhappy with him. He said I was angry almost every week and it was exhausting for him because all I wanted to do was change him.
To be honest, I was floored. I tried to explain the benefits of just trying to show affection to each other and how it can hopefully lead to communication, more connection and also stress relief. I tried to offer an alternative perspective on how it could actually heal the wounds we feel and he barely acknowledged it. I didn't ask for anything big. I just asked for even just more hugs and kisses and he rejected it entirely.
We had this conversation about 3 hours ago and he has barely acknowledged my presence.
I feel ridiculous writing this. I see both sides but I feel entirely in the wrong now and like a spoiled brat asking for affection from a man who doesn't have the capacity
Thank you for this. I do agree there is usually three sides to a story: your side, my side and the middle. I do agree that it may have been a misunderstanding. I guess silver lining is this discussion happened over messages so we can both have time to reflect and hopefully come back together to figure it out
Thank you. I have brought it up but he is against any professional help based on past traumas surrounding therapists