OP needs an old-school church key.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/ZLKAIFUp-Jw

Here, glad to help.

Everyone is talking about the pull tabs an I’m sitting here wondering if the beer is 1 pint 8 oz. Or if this company is trying to call 8oz one pint.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lOpQ6gK4riI

Do not use your finger unless you like drinking blood and going to the hospital.

Had that happen a few times. I just use a key that I normally have on me for the house or car (car less these days since its a fob and sliding the key out isn't worth it). A few good and steady stabs closest to the line should do the trick. Then just push down with finger.

if only If I had a pen knife

That's when you stab the side with a sharp object and get chugging.

I spent a few minutes wondering how it's possible for the pull tab to be attached off to the side like that

Then I realised oooh it's just come off and you've placed it there

Perspective. If you’re one of the members over at stop drinking, then perhaps this was your day.

I mean, a sharp blow with the back of a pen would open it, but yeah. That's work should shouldn't have to do.

Just stab it with a screwdriver

That sucks. Badly.

bite it

Just use the one on the bottom.