I'm the worst partner anyone could ask for and my bf is right. I'm the absolute worst...

Please tell me that it's just either your writing or my reading being off, but this sounds like he is telling you that? Please tell me that he actually doesn't say, or even think that you are the worst.

From Czech law (Občanský zákoník/ Civil Code, Book 5, § 3021):

• (1) Domácím násilím se rozumí násilné jednání vůči oběti v jakékoli formě, při kterém zpravidla dochází ke zneužívání moci nebo nerovného postavení a kterým 
  • a) bylo nebo mělo být neoprávněně zasaženo do její tělesné integrity, 
  • b) bylo nebo mělo být neoprávněně opakovaně nebo vážně zasaženo do její duševní integrity, svobody nebo důstojnosti, zejména v intimní oblasti, do její vážnosti, cti nebo soukromí nebo 
  • c) byla vážně ohrožena nebo narušena její schopnost uspokojovat své základní potřeby nebo základní potřeby členů společné domácnosti.)

This is clearly domestic abuse. I'll check your options at counselling providers. You can confide in any doctor or therapist, too. Your sexuologist is top of his class and must have dealt with this at some point.

Sorry, I don't have time to post a translation (the English 700kB .docx Ministry of Justice provides is updates only)

I've gone over most of this with you already, but WHAT

I've asked him multiple times to not try and put it in in the morning. ... He tries anyway

Miisha, this is literally rape.

Fighting with my partner. It started by me writing down the stuff that's been bothering me in this relationship. Reading it back it just...sounded bad. Really bad.

Girl… it is bad really bad. Your being assaulted, sexually, physically, mentally abused, threats and attempts at rape…

Are there no other options than living with him or your dad? Both sound really miserable, but at least I hope your dad doesn’t physically abuse you like this loser does.

this is not your fault

If you have any way, I would get out of there. :(

You sound like an abuse victim there. I'm not saying yoi absolutely have to leave right away unless you're in danger or can establish yourself alone, but yeah that's all really bad and your tone screams abuse victim. I can't say if it's build up to flee or suck up with your dad or a shelter for a while, but what you described would get you welcomed into a dv shelter here. You may want to look into if nearby ones take trans women.

Are you seeing someone for your mental health? You're having a lot of drastic ups and downs and this post is really reminiscent of what I've seen and felt from abuse victims. Maybe he's not all awful, aside from the whole sexual assault and regular assault you described, (I don't believe that, but for arguments sake we can pretend) but even then your relationship sounds very hot and cold and harmful. That's not sustainable, that's not healthy, and that's not a path forward to long term happiness.

So find your path out, and ideally towards independent living or finding a roommate (one you don't want to fuck). Self sustainance will do you good.

Edit: told my wife just about the part with him sexually assaulting you in your sleep snd she grabbed her sword about it. I'd encourage you to crosspost this to /c/womensstuff@piefed.blahaj.zone if you need more reassurance. A lot of us on there have been abuse victims and I'm sure some of them will have hard learned advice.

"maybe i am the problem"
proceeds to explain in detail how he is entirely the problem

girl you are being abused, you need to set and enforce hard boundaries, and/or gtfo. he is unapologetically touching and even hurting you, (physically) preventing you from leaving, and has repeatedly tried to initiate sex without your consent after being told multiple times not to?? that's not a laughing matter, that's seriously fucked up.

Love, I'll tell you what I told years ago to one of my dearest friend about her relationship : run.

Nothing can ever justify abuse, let it be physical, sexual or psychological. Once boundaries are crossed there is no way back, for anyone of you. But let me tell you, I am worried something ever happens to you.

You deserve a home you can call your safe place and it doesn't feel like you are currently in a safe place at all. I really hope you can find someone you trust enough to move with.

Don't blame yourself, you already suffer and struggle enough each day.

I love you sister, Miisha, you deserve no violence whatsoever, no abuse. I want you to be safe and well.

We all want to you to be happy, living your life however you want.

You are absolutely amazing and I don't give a fuck what you think you may have done to deserve all this. We love you, I love you, I find joy in your posts, comfort in your messages. Told you I'll have you every fucking day, even more so if it can help you stay alive. I, we want you safe and well.

Sorry if I sound violent myself, I am worrying right now… you deserve nothing but care, love and whatever you need to be a happy grown woman. I am at loss for words … you are a woman and I know you have what it takes to fight for your well-being, you have it in yourself. Just as nikki said : stand up for yourself, you will always find some help here 🩷

Girl that is abuse. He is abusing you. No matter what you have said to him you do not deserve to be treated like this. He is taking advantage of your self doubt and negative self image to make you feel responsible for his abusive actions. He is an autonomous person who has full control of what he does. I know you don't have a good way out but this situation will escalate. At the very least you need an exit plan. Wishing you the best Miisha, you deserve better than this, I promise.

girl if he is crossing your boundaries and you've told him to stop, dump his ass and do what you want. he doesn't deserve you and you can do so much better. its important to remember that even though he respects you as a woman, men can still be disgusting to women.

you being handled and abused is so much worse than him getting in his head to blame you wanting to start an OF. dont get it twisted, okay? use your dads place as a landing point to move along, or make plans to find somewhere to go before you dump your bf. reguardless, what he has done is irredeemable and you need to stand up for yourself

This sounds super not okay. When he constantly goes for no-gos by you then the problem isn't you and you certainly doesn't ask for any of it, he's the problem.

physically stopping you from leaving is controlling abuse, doll. my ex used to do the same to me 😭😭😭

i love you keep your chin up

The things he's done is absolutely abuse. You do deserve love, you deserve to be respected and you deserve to feel safe with your partner, because your a human being.

This isn’t that serious tho, as we’re usually both laughing and it’s not forceful. Still, I don’t like it.

This is very serious Miisha, its sexual assault. You telling him multiple times, and he keeps doing it as a "joke", is quite serious.

Dont dismiss your feelings of unsafety, and never ever ever ever blame yourself for someone making you feel unsafe. It doesnt matter what you did, or how rocky the relationship is, if your partner acts in a way to make you feel unsafe, its on them and them alone.

I understand you may not be able to just up and leave, but do consider where you could go if you feel the need to. Live with a family memeber (i understand your dad might not be a tolerable option here), but are there any others? Its worth a think.

Hoping you'll be ok Miisha ❤️

there is ZERO excuse for putting your hands on someone like that, let alone an intimate partner. that is NOT okay.

It sounds like it's pretty clear that he is not listening to your boundaries and won't be respecting them. I know you probably have a lot of comfort in him outside of these moments but you have to protect yourself and if he's going to make the environment perpetually unsafe, then maybe plans to go need to be made. That really sucks bad though for your situation, I'm so sorry you're faced with those choices. Is there anyone you can connect with locally? I would start to explore what places in the area might be safe, from both a women's and a trans standpoint, it doesn't sound like you're going to find safety with your boyfriend or dad

Absolutely fucking not. His behaviour is not tolerable. You could be the worst person alive and it would not justify any of that.

I would recommend just quietly looking for other living situations, and you need to get mental health help, especially if you are a victim of abuse.

That's definitely not ok, you aren't at fault for his behaviour. I would recommend looking at a way out if you can, if you can't go anywhere in the meantime (which seems like the case) please stay safe, but keep looking.

Thats one side story, but I see some red flags... red banners even, on his side. As much it's personal to let partner push a little and to change self a little for someone, but this here would be too much for me already.

Stay safe.

Lil edit, clarification: relationships are not about letting others do things only, but about boths letting other one push a little as much as we are comfy with, but doing same too. To change self a little for someone and making them change for valuable us. Stay safe.