Fighting with my partner. It started by me writing down the stuff that's been bothering me in this relationship. Reading it back it just...sounded bad. Really bad.
The most important part is, he has a habit of grabbing me when we're in the middle of a fight and I'm trying to leave. He physically stops me from leaving. I'm weak, my height doesn't matter. I have no chance against a full-grown man.
I've gotten hurt a couple of times. Either by him grabbing my breasts too roughly or by him slamming me against the wall, which he does to try and stop me from leaving. He's done this two or three times in total and he's promised he wouldn't anymore. But...it just feels so wrong...
During one of these fights, after making up, I told him that I felt like he was going to SA me, due to how he was positioning me against the wall. His response was "You looked like you wanted it". To this day, thinking back, it gives me the ick.
There's also the not respecting my boundaries. I've asked him multiple times to not try and put it in in the morning, when I'm sleeping. I'm pre-OP and I've been very clear about not wanting spontaneous sex. He tries anyway.
This isn't that serious tho, as we're usually both laughing and it's not forceful. Still, I don't like it.
And also him touching my hair. I'm insecure about it, my hair sucks. I've told him countless times not to touch it when hugging me. He still does. He (accidentally) pulls it, which hurts me and then I get pissed off and he gets pissed off at me...for being pissed cause of him pulling my hair which I've asked him so many times not to do.
But also...I can't shake the feeling that this is all my fault. I'm a horrible partner. When I tell him I'm leaving, he says that I would have done it anyway, no matter his actions. And maybe he's right...
He says that I'm just angry at him because he didn't let me start an OF. That's not true. I get that he has boundaries in the relationship and while OF has been my dream since 17, I get it. That's not why I want to leave so often. It's the other, much more pressing issues.
He's sleeping right now. I hurt him with my words. A lot. And it's all my fault...
I don't know what to do. Stay here, pretend that nothing is wrong? Go live with my dad, slowly go insane due to misgendering and deadnaming and then kill myself? Get a headstart and just jump off the roof right away? I just don't know...
This situation is all my fault. I blame myself. I'm the worst partner anyone could ask for and my bf is right. I'm the absolute worst...I don't deserve a loving partner. I deserve to be used, abused, violated and then killed. Cause that's all I'm good for anyway...