Imagine being dead, buried and just a skeleton right now. That'd be pretty fun, wouldn't it? Haha...ha. I hate myself so fucking much.
I never understood the whole "when you're dead people will be able to tell from your skeleton" thing. Like, I'd be dead already. I wouldn't be physically capable of giving a shit. I really can't be bothered to worry about what hypothetical future people think about my corpse.
I suppose the one on the left would be "women", due to the larger chest, and the one on the right would be "men", who require large legs to walk around.
Incoherent rambling
Why don't I just leave. I don't bring anything positive to the world anyway. I'm just a man and that's all I'll ever be. Neither HRT nor surgery will save me. People say to love myself, but how can I do that, when I'm the one responsible for this destruction and mutilation of my body that we call "normal puberty"? Why did I ever put off starting HRT...
Now's too late. Always has been. Now it's impossible for me to ever look at myself and see a girl. Passing is a fucking joke, I can't seriously look in the mirror without simultaneously bursting into laughter and tears. I'm just a monster and yet I still somehow think I deserve to be called and adressed as a woman. I ruined this body. This is all my fault.
I ruin everything I touch. Every relationship, every friendship I ever had, every community I ever belonged to. My only two irl friends don't even talk to me anymore. I haven't even been able to get off my ass and go get therapy. All I do is take estrogen and hope somehow I'll get to be a "real girl" one day without putting in any effort of my own. I'm the worst kind of pathetic. I'm an unlovable, obnoxious, ugly dumb piece of shit that has no value as a person. Sometimes I even wonder if I'm a person at all.
Maybe in another timeline I'm happy. I don't need SRS or extensive FFS or even HRT. Or maybe I do need HRT, but I actually started at a reasonable age, before the damage became irreparable. Whatever that timeline is, it isn't this one. I'm so fucked. I hate myself so much. There's no one in this world I hate more than myself. I don't even hate other people, just this thing that I am. I hate living in this body. I hate living this life. I hate being whatever fucking monster this is. I'm so tired of it. I wish I'd never been born.
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