This self hatred is a form of liberalism you must combat comrade. It is the capitalist that wants you to cripple yourself in self loathing so as to prevent any real resistance against them. Eating bread made from an underpaid worker does not make you a slave driver. To meaningfully resist Imperialism means to have solidarity with your international comrades. To resist means to live. You do not control the means of the oppression, regardless of your benefits to it. The materials and labor has been exported into your hands and you must use it to destroy the system that extracts it in the first place. Be thankful you are awarded the privileges, and use what you have to fight against imperialism. Your life is valuable, when you give yourself grace you learn how to give it to others and build something bigger than yourself.

"There is no ethical consumption under capitalism" exists for a reason, and ignoring the neoliberal co-opting to allow reckless consumption, is to explain that you must recognize these relationships and work to fight them. Something that is not done by starving and giving up everything. There's endless debates over communists crowd funding vs becoming landlords and using the funds towards working class struggle. But this does not start with sacrificing your life and its ability to resist so that you don't give another dollar to a trillion dollar corporation. There is no math for comparing suffering, but you can offset any harm you cause by organizing and resisting imperialism.

If you cannot directly take part in protests I implore you to educate yourself and others. One cannot begin to resist if they don't have the foundation to build an alternative system, or the creativity to imagine it. Encourage others to do the same, perhaps provide resources, create posters or assets for comrades to use to get attention. Join up with other organizations, they might be willing to accommodate you. You have a great privilege to resist the imperial core from within, you have the power to make a change comrade.

self-flagellation helps no-one
do what you can, large or small

Your main problem is conflating your material conditions with your own self worth. You need to keep being an efficient communist and cultivating virtues like self-love in the two separate spheres apart, only then can you blossom in each. Your obsession with your own emotions is a form of liberalism. Read "Combat Liberalism" by Mao, go meditate/exercise or whatever makes you feel calm, collected, and grounded, and when you feel OK start working again. As for what you should work on, just feel your way through the river on the stones, and don't stress about it, just do the work.

self-hatred is counter-productive!

please don't fall into the liberal-moralist trap of believing a socially produced injury to be your personal defect. you did not choose the material conditions you live under! could the average russian worker be blamed for not having achieved as much as lenin?

i understand that in our ideological drive and conviction, we sometimes ask ourselves the impossible, but ironically, this is capitalist indoctrination talking: it is capitalism that pushes us into thinking that only our productive output matters in life, but one should remember that we are all ultimately just human. there is no shame in taking a break for one's health, and there is no shame in taking part in the society you're forced to exist in. we are not preaching asceticism!

self-hatred is what the enemy wants us to feel, as it causes demoralisation and helplessness and serves to turn structural pressures into a verdict on one's own character. instead, direct your anger appropriately: it is not you who caused the world's problems, but the bourgeoisie.

lastly, i cannot emphasise enough that criticism isn’t the same as self-hatred. you can recognise mistakes and work to change without condemning your whole self.

Focus on your immediate surroundings and use your knowledge of theory to subtly drop hints to people around you. Take advantage of the spaces you are forced to cohabitate with people to get the discussions going. Get people thinking and asking questions themselves. "What is all of this for?" in the break room at work. "I don't feel like this is really giving me much helpful information for later in life, shouldn't we be thinking and learning about this other thing instead?" in the school lunch room. "It would be kind of nice to be able to take a bus if my car breaks down, don't you agree?" Talking to people on their level is key, and anyone can learn how to do this.

When I was working as a volunteer with Standards Not Force, something we were encouraged to do was something called "Gift Giving Mondays". Where people were meant to do something small, the example Dr. Dillard gave was a gift card for neighbors that basically said something along the lines of "Hello neighbor, I hope this finds you well and I hope you have a great week. You are loved, you are seen, please remember that". And the idea behind this gesture was to start cultivating a community back into neighborhoods be it suburban, rural or urban. I have since stopped working with them, but the practice I carry on into my own org as it stuck with me enough. It does work. This in itself may seem silly and small, but in fact nurturing your community into an interconnected health instead of the hyper-individualistic nature so many are in is in fact one the most important first steps to a revolution. This works in tandem with my previous paragraph to start unlearning the capitalist programming in people, without the use of the scary buzzwords that set people off. These two notes are key to any successful movement, and they are so easy that you can do these things from your very own living room.

When you focus on the area you can immediately influence, you may find yourself more powerful than you think. From there, once you get enough support, you can start talking about how you as a community can host a community center if your community lacks one. It's all about seeing to people's needs in your area. Giving a safety net where people obviously are truly lacking. Giving relief from the parasitic system that oppresses us now is how we give people the energy to start working together for a better tomorrow.

Edit: I know this is long, I kind of just got carried away! Hopefully this is helpful to anyone that wants to start making a difference in more than just posts on the internet. :) I'm of the belief that the sooner we abandon the internet for our cause, the better. We are surveilled here, after all, and the first rule of security culture is to be wary of any and all electronic communications. The internet is full of a lot of noise and pollution, trying to organize on it is like trying to set up a meetup in a mosh pit. Sure, you can probably do it, but most of the time there's so much noise and bumping around that you're more likely to drop your phone! Hence my focus on the local and in-person stuff a person can do!

The internet makes it possible to organize more through online. Consider this instance you're on, or prolewiki. These are online resources. They aren't on their own a replacement for in-person organizing, but they can still help a hell of a lot.

You don't need to be exiled to Siberia to be like Lenin. You don't need to go down in a blaze of glory to prove you're a true revolutionary. Look at what you can do in the context of where you're at, what you can help build, even if from a distance. And if what that amounts to is too far from what you want to be able to do, then shift your focus toward moving some place where you can be closer to the heart of it.

from each something something