Had to get blood drawn today. It was a fasting lab, so my whole morning was disrupted, which in itself is not a bad thing. It feels bad when our routine gets shook up, but truly, if we let ourselves be uncomfortable regularly, that's when we grow the most and when we do it enough, there is no “comfortable” because everything is its own way comfortable.

But now I'm home and able to indulge in simple pleasures. Crackers, coffee, and a sip of booze n hit of weed. If I overindulged any one of these things, then I might be in trouble. I remember waking up and having three cups of coffee. That was many lifetimes ago, and in this same part of my life, I would smoke bowl after bowl of weed. Didn't drink back then, but I prolly would have if I had a place to store it.

I lived with my dad. I wasn't capable of being on my own. College is kinda a halfway house for students, but I was sorely lacking even in those capacities. I sincerely have no idea what my father was or is thinking, and thus likewise am grateful that my brother has his mother, because I didn't have that shit!

I was just supposed to magickally figure things out. How does one balance a checkbook, get around a new city I've never been without a car, or make friends in any capacity? I was fortunate to have the track team, but I lost that quickly, being as horrifically maladapted as I was. Part of the reason I joined ROTC was for the camaraderie that one naturally accrues by participating well in the program. As far as being a sociable and good/kind/interesting person? Where tf would I have learned to do that?

My dad taught me to beat people. Not physically beat them; I mean be superior than them. That's the Manning way! And that's why I threw out that last name because it only serves the self and that is not who I am, he who is half his mother, whom I lost and then lost in myself as I grew up the way he wanted me to be, where 85% of the world's population could just be wiped out, in my father's opinion, and nothing would affect the top 15%.

I got him the Hitchhiker's Guide series recently, before he cut me off and blocked me, likely permanently, as he does this to people he no longer can handle because it shatters his godly worldview. He won't read it, but I'm hoping my brother will. I sent him Timequake by Vonnegut before. I don't know if I deserve a family, but I'd like to at least help someone else who undoubtedly is dealing with the same horrors I dealt with alone with our father.

But is he even the same, my dad, I mean? Well, he can't help himself but be cruelly sarcastic. He laughed when I was at the lowest I've been. I would never do that to him, so at best, what he has to look forward to in Heaven is being constantly reminded that I would never be so cruel to him as he was to me. He can have infinite Heavens! And yet, he will always know, deep down, that he is only there by an act of mercy he himself is not capable of providing for his own son. And I don't want that to hurt him, but it will, and thus, for our sake, I pray he wakes the fuck up to who he is to other people, because at this rate, he's going to be alone with himself, and I can think of nothing crueler, and I weep for him in the present.

And here I am, being morose when I have the capacity to be joyous. What is in my head is completely within my control. It might take a second, but in the wealth of wisdom I've accrued regarding mental health, I know that the battle has been won. I'm not fighting him. I'm trying to be better for my own sake, and helping others along the way is a boon, too. Just gotta roll with the punches. Float like a butterfly and bless like an angel. I ain't know if I am that good, but as long as I keep trying to be my best, that is what will come. Just takes time, and in that faith, freedom is born.