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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/zer08eight on 2026-07-03 02:28:08+00:00.

Last night my brother came home with two slices of pizza. “You can have the other slice,” he said, “but save the jalapeño piece for me.” First red flag. He shares a Look with my dad. Second red flag, except I barely notice it.

Flash forward to this morning. I wake up at 8 to go to work. I think, oh, what should I have for breakfast? I think, oh, there’s a slice of pizza! I am absolutely positive at this point that this is cheese pizza. I go to heat it up in the toaster oven. When I take it out, a tiny piece falls off. I eat it. I notice a tiny bit of spice. I assume this is because it was bathing in the jalapeño soaked take out container. Third red flag. I sit down with my coffee and water and pizza and start to eat.

One bite in. Hm, I think this has onions and stuff on it. That’s kinda fun. Three bites in. Wow, this is a bit spicier than I expected. I continue eating it though. I eat half the slice before I take the bite that sets my mouth on fire.

In the moments before hell sets in, I wonder if the slice was just part of the jalapeño pizza, like maybe these guys got a half n half pizza. And I just got the jalapeñoiest bit of the cheese pizza. This is not true. Jalapeños are NOT that spicy. My mouth is on fire. I feel like throwing up. I get up, desperately pouring myself a cup of apple juice and drinking it. It doesn’t help, not much at least. There’s milk in the fridge but I don’t drink milk and I don’t know if it’s still good. I drink more water. I go to the bathroom and hunch over the toilet for a moment, fearing the worst. I have to leave for work in Less Than Five Minutes.

I don’t throw up, because if it was that spicy going in, it would be so so so so much worse coming out. I skedaddle, popping a hard candy (peach flavored) in my mouth before I get in the car. I am a passenger, so I tell my friends about the pain I am in. “Guess who got tricked into eating the spiciest pizza on the planet this morning. Oh my fucking god [brother’s name] you are horrible. “Hey you can have this slice of pizza” and you leave out the part that the devil himself made it. Oh my god my mouth is on fire and nothing can calm it down.”

I message my brother, “why are you evil. fuck you and your pizza.” I message my dad, “what is this pizza and why is it so spicy.” I am going through the five stages of grief.

Fifteen minutes into working at my job, my stomach starts hurting. Nothing bad really happens, just thought I’d make sure you knew.

Flash forward to when I get home. I am talking with my brother. He reveals that this was his scheme all along, though he did not expect me to eat it for breakfast, or eat as much as I did. He reveals that this is HABANERO pizza. He confesses that even he could not eat it. I am stronger than him. But not stronger than dad. I think he ate that whole pizza without flinching or tearing up. I am a spice wimp. He is a spice warrior. My brother is a spice criminal.

I can’t get past the fact that they got TWO pizzas and they were JALAPEÑO and HABANERO pizzas. what the hell is wrong with them. He can never be forgiven or trusted ever again. Please give me ideas for Revenge.

TLDR: my brother tricked me into eating a habanero pizza. I suffered. I yearn for vengeance.