So let me get this straight, contemplating suicide, how to do it, when (as in which day of the week), and stuff like that even if you don't really want it is a poor way to react to emotions ? But it feels so comfy (yeah I should probably see a therapist some day)

It's a weird sensation. It's like part of your own soul is now outside your body, and you can't abandon it. It's no longer entirely your choice to make.

It's scary that that out is gone. It also gives me a lot of strength. In the words of Homer Simpson "Do it for her". If I can't do it for myself, tough shit, I'm no longer on easy mode, I need to make it work for her, no matter what it takes.

I didn't even need a kid to have this, I wrote this poem when I was depressed as a teen

I often used that in a "therapeutical" way
Like meditating about, that I want to die now and deciding on it
Until some part of mine started to rebel and then I build up on the feeling to get out of my suicide wish again

Now, I've promised my wife to not kill myself.
And honestly, I'm missing that tool now to get out of deep depression

Obviously, it's not a safe one, but it worked for me.

Took quite some time to gather other methods

I grew up with cystic fibrosis (obviously I still have it too) not suicidal so it was more the entire world telling me I was going to die and have no future not me telling myself that and I think it hits different. If you really have no expectation of being alive long term it’s not just that you don’t know, don’t make plans, it’s also that you don’t dream. The future wasn’t for me I never thought about what I wanted or hoped for out of life, what education you might want to pursue, what job you might like, if you might get married or have a child one day, what makes you happy outside of the present and temporary, it’s all forbidden fruit. It’s not even that you don’t think about it but if you do it hurts, it’s dangerous, that’s not for you.

Idk, I feel like there’s a difference between living your life on the gallows, either because you’re disabled or because your suicidal, that’s more final, more futile, than being a person who’s just clueless or not figuring things out - I had nothing to figure out, I was a dead woman walking and everyone including me knew it.

I’m only still here because I had a double lung transplant, lived in the ICU for six months and worked through years of slow and painful recovery only to realize the life I’m living now has absolutely no foundation or direction because I’m really really not supposed to be alive.

I was gonna comment this.

I'm really glad you guys decided to stick around, and welcome to the club where everyone has zero clue about what to do but tries not to stress too much about it...

I wonder if I'd actually have tried in college if I hadn't believed in magick

Could still be tomorrow, you never know...

Ah but suicide is a sin. That's how they get ya

I mean I'm pretty sure there's nothing more after this but I still carry a hope of getting surprised

Hey, I just wanted to say that I appreciate you and I'm glad you're still with us.

FWIW, your family would be traumatised if you did anything like that; quick skim reading tells me you have a daughter. This isn't meant to guilt trip you regarding your feelings; I just wanted to offer a counter to the "my family would be better too."

I hope that you end up feeling in control of your own life, and maybe even proud of it. You deserve to walk her down the aisle with happy tears in your eyes (if marriage ends up being on the cards for her!)

my family would be better too.

I don't struggle with depression that deeply anymore but every once in a great while, I still have moments where I feel this way.

Nearly a century ago, my great-grandpa hung himself. I have no idea why. I do know that the impact was devastating and spanned multiple generations. One of his sons also killed himself about 20 years later. The one that survived, my grandpa, was never the same. He became "head of the household" at 15. Even though I never met him, every description I've ever heard of him was of a man who never got a chance to grow up. That made him a terrible father.

Even if you don't have kids, there are still people in your life who depend on you and need you, even if they don't know how to say it. Your absence would leave a giant crater in their lives that would probably never fully heal.

This knowledge has kept me here at moments. I'm glad you're still here too.