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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/ElvisGrizzly on 2026-05-04 16:20:28+00:00.

So my dad used to spend a lot of time in the bathroom. Like he'd take TWO books in with him. And in one traumatic memory, he once made me bring him my leftover birthday party mickey mouse napkins when he ran out of TP. ("NO. Not MICKEY!")

Anyway as a child it left a mark.

So I was determined to spend as little time going #2 as possible. Go in. Do your business, get out. So that's what I did. I worked to develop what I thought to be strong control. To get it out in five minutes tops. With training and straining I thought that's what I'd done and it had continued into my latter adulthood. Especially in public bathrooms, I'd go in, drop one and leave, while shaking my head at the people taking so long to do what clearly was a MUCH shorter operation. All these time wasters, obviously playing with their phones.

Or so I thought.

As part of a promise to get myself checked out after a family member's death, I went overseas (screw you American health prices) and paid for a lot of tests including an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. Turns out I had H. Pylori. That the doctor mused I might have had for at least for a decade. Possibly longer. What's that cause? Among other things, irregular flows in the #2 department.

To treat it I got a very aggressive round of antibiotics. No big deal I thought. I don't love them as they've caused me stomach problems in the past (which I might have taken as a sign but I clearly didn't). But I saw it through to the end this time and finally beat the bacterial colony that apparently had a long term lease in my gut.

Since then I am basically making Wombat level waste bricks (minus the right angles) and it is NOT the process I am used to. Occasionally I've needed to use the handicapped stall when available just so I can have that wall handlebar for leverage.

THIS Is what you people have been doing with your intestines? This WHOLE time?

Well anyway I was wrong. And now I have the time to think about it. Because I am clearly not going anywhere for a much longer portion of my day.

TL,DR: Thought I was great at going to the bathroom. Turned out the bacteria was great at going, not me.

Edit: to be clear, not EVERY one is that bad but more than a few are. Which, again, is proof that the bacteria have been covering for my less than ideal eating habits for a hunk of my adult life. Which is to say yes, now, I'm also working on changing my diet. And I have time to think about that now as well.