For a while (maybe still) Russian rockets even had a shotgun on board after wolves got to a landing first.

The Russian system has a braking rocket that fires at the very last second to soften up the landing. On one early Soyuz mission, this rocket didn't fire, and the solo cosmonaut suffered substantial injuries from the landing.

The Orion capsule hits the water at the final parachute speed of 20-30 mph without injuring the crew. But as you state, they also have to design the capsule for flotation and egress in potentially rough sea state.

Boeing Starliner is designed for a land landing, but it uses deployable air bags instead of a braking rocket. It's not clear that Starliner will ever fly again after the RCS thruster problems.

I'm upset that you didn't mention Cosmonauts are equiped with an on board shotgun to fend off bears.

I listened to Chris Hadfield describe coming home in a Soyuz capsul and it rolling a few times after hitting the ground. Land works but water sounds more comfortable, as long as you don't get sea sick on top of it all.

The nasa broadcaster called it a perfect bullseye landing about 5 times. A perfect bullseye, hit em right in the Pacific ocean.

Bullseye

I think she's saying 'pay attention' because she is used to people drifting off mid-sentence

You can't easily go out to see a splashdown in the middle of the ocean, therefore space travel is fake.

I mean, people do that occasionally, but for completely different reasons.

Woke means you're awake to the injustices in society

The ocean is flat

This mission especially brought the "space travel is fake" crowd out. The rocket launch explodes over a deserted area, nobody's onboard, all the missions are faked, and the splashdowns are in restricted waters to sell the simulation.

Usually this is on top of "well you can't survive the Van Allen radiation belts", as if radiation safety and shielding is not a problem we understood and solved before we even lit off Mercury.

Ultimate reasoning for it is either a vague notion of "control", bread and circuses, or "they do this to defy God", because space isn't real and the Firmament lies above the sky.

Including the soyuz which to this day routinely lands on land

Yes, because the area gets a no-fly zone and navy ships go to get the capsule, it makes it "easy" to fake because the government controls the situation. Yes, this ignores a lot of other independently verifiable data, because that doesn't confirm biases. Yes, it ignores all the Soyuz landings over land. Yes, it ignores the facts that the Soviets and Russians do and did the same thing, as if a highly-planned re-entry might just happen in anyone's rye field. Yes, it's stupid. Yes, it's on purpose.

They did have to give them a special gun so they weren't killed by bears though.

Due to its low density and viscosity, water cushions the spacecraft enough that there is no need for a braking rocket to slow the final descent

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splashdown