I have a much higher sex drive than my wife. We have been married 21 years. I want sex two to three times a week, she doesn’t think about it at all and will happily not have sex for a couple of months.

Just because she doesn’t need it or think about it doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy it when it happens.

Communicate a lot. Not just when you want sex, all the time about everything. Make her feel part of your life. Be close, emotionally and physically, without always initiating. When you are having sex, make sure her needs are met, preferably before your own. Become a generous and giving lover.

Let her know how you feel after sex.

Doing this has meant that my wife is more attuned to the way I am feeling and more relaxed and likely to agree to sex.

Meh, there’s a lot of ways to dress it up but it boils down to:

Have sex more or the partner with the higher sex drive will feel neglected. This doesn’t necessarily mean PIV sex, but sexuality is a part of being human and isn’t something that anyone should have to sacrifice.

It’s kind of an unavoidable reality and people will beat around the bush about it, but sex or lack thereof can make a bad relationship or break a good one.

No matter how you dress it up, one partner isn’t having their needs met.

Tangential and purely personal experience, but the sex stopping in a relationship has always been a surefire indicator of underlying problems, in my experience.

It’s also just an inherit problem with monogamy I feel “You can’t have sex with anyone else ever” “Ok can we have sex” “No”

We were in the same situation and tried many things.

After years, we reconsidered the idea of non-monogamy. With a lot of communication, honesty, and clear boundaries (no polyamory, no relationships with mutual friends, strict STI prevention, etc.), it turned out to be our solution.

Now, it's no longer a source of tension in our relationship, and I have one more hobby.

I'm not saying it's the solution for all couples. But it's always worth discussing things we thought were set in stone.

I was ok with my once a week guy, sexually frustrated but sex isn't the only reason you are together, some is better than none.

When it became none I got too frustrated and after 5 years with no sex cheated so - not well, is how I dealt with it.

But when it was just less than I wanted but regular, mostly what happened was I wouldn't do much for him, like could not do oral, because if he got off that was it for the week.

I guess I don't have constructive tips, but I guess at least an example of how NOT to handle it - please communicate, communicate, communicate.

Now I am with a guy who wants every day, and we compromise up not down, meaning if either of us wants sex we do it, that only works because we both want it pretty much all the time.

So, here's the deal with monogamy: when partners insist on monogamy, the implicit corollary is that both necessarily assume full responsibility for their partner's sexual satisfaction. Too many people overlook the GGG aspect; they want the mental ease of monogamy without putting in the hard work.

That's a lot of words to say: I got nothing to offer that lines up precisely with your question. The partner with lower sex drive invariably gets exactly what they want while the partner with higher sex drive must remain unsatisfied. I have experience on both sides of this issue, and compromise is critical to all interpersonal dynamics.

Empathy by way of anecdote: my partner of eight years (female) wants sex about two to five times per day. I (male) have bandwidth and libido for once, maybe twice, a day. So... she gets a lot of cunnilingus. When she was undergoing chemotherapy, she had vaginal tenderness and dryness that made PIV sex and cunnilingus uncomfortable for her. But she wanted to be there for me. So there was a lot of jerking off in her mouth and using her ass cheeks as a fleshlight.

Much like polyamory/ENM, monogamy requires a lot of Jedi Master level communication. But without the mind tricks.

In the same boat, from your word choice "very overwhelming" it would appear you are the female. I'm sorry you feel stressed by his want to appreciate you. People have different love languages and his is more physical. My Wife also is okay with a monthly shag. I've openly shared about wanting more snd am open to alternative options to make both parties happy, however, my wife is reluctant and hesitant to explore anything beyond 'vanilla' sex. I hope this thread actually gets some attention, cause I need answers too. Im open to share more if people want to know.

One thing to investigate is getting both of your hormones checked. Identifying and treating issues like thyroid, low or high testosterone, low or high estradiol/progesterone, etc. While it hasn't completely aligned the mismatch it has been an overall improvement and helped give perspective. Granted, it might turn out you're both just the way you are.

Lotsa sexting and dirty talk where I jerk off . Sad but if u spice it up it works for me

Could use one too 😅

That’s tough. Obviously a compromise has to be made, but the problem with compromises is no one is actually happy they’re just less mad.

Are you sure her sex drive really is that much lower? A lot of times, especially with women, sex is not as enjoyable for them because they are trained to be passive and do whatever their partner wants. Why not try talking to her and figure out what she wants. Oftentimes this is difficult because of religious beliefs/purity culture stuff, but keep at it.

Ultimately communication both ways is key. The man needs to tell her his concerns, and she needs to be open with him about what she actually likes/wants.