Instead of making plans with friends, plan your activity and invite friends. If you're the defining factor, and plan your activity as it is, others may join or not.

The fewer people you involve, the more stable the plan will be as well.

Have you tried this:

-> You suggest [specific activity]

-> They suggest alteration

-> You say, "I actually really want to do [specific activity] this time, but we can do [their suggestion] next time!"

-> (1) They agree. Else (2) They insist on changing it

-> You ask why they don't want to do your suggestion

-> They hopefully have an explanation you can understand so you either feel better about changing the activity, or you go to the activity alone and do their suggestion with them another time (both are just as good!)

There's nothing rude about planning something and inviting people to the activity. If they don't want to join they can say no and you're still allowed to follow through with your plan.

Suggestions for activities to do on your own where your current friends can join if they want but you can also do alone and meet new people at the activity:

cooking class,

dancing class,

amateur theater/improv,

book club (I'm sure there are open book clubs to join at your local library, or you can ask the librarians to put up a flyer and start one... I do 1-on-1 book clubs with different friends at different times when we figure out a book we want to read. We just set a chapter goal and call once or twice a week to check in on each others progress and yap about our thoughts on the book so far. Not every activity needs to include the whole friend group every time - they're all unique persons with different interests and time availability),

join an orientation club,

volunteer somewhere (I like animal shelters, but might be more interaction with other volunteers at something aimed at humans or political/societal),

visit an orchard and pick seasonal fruit/veggies (may not be super social with strangers)

join a hiking tour, especially likely to be social if it's over several days,

go to concerts and festivals,

go to a meetup/show for motorcycles or old cars or something (initiate socialising by asking questions about, and giving people compliments on, what they brought to show off (car, MC, vinyl collection) )

One thing every other comment has failed to mention is that, to be comfortable around other people, you must first be comfortable with yourself fully. And, because of that, I recommend you keep doing activities by yourself, and try new things by yourself, at least at first. Discover who you actually want to be, while still respecting everyone's freedom, including your own.

it gets reshaped into something I don’t want

It is bizarre that this happens so regularly to you. Could you go into detail, like at least 3 examples of this? What's going on?

Make friends with people who also love what you love?

I've learned that it's important to spent time on my interests, and it's important to spend time on my friends, but trying to do both at once sometimes cheapens both.

I'd suggest scheduling just chill hangouts with friends, and keep doing the wild things they can't afford by yourself.

No, it isn't wrong to want to choose your friends based on your hobbies. It's healthy. Sure, you will need some flexibility. It can't all be your way all the time. But generally you want friends who enjoy the same activities and "things" you do. You want enough similarities to have stuff to do and talk about, but enough differences that you aren't just repeating the same things to each other.

And as with most relationships, a small handful of great ones can sustain us for longer and more deeply than a deluge of shallow and circumstantial ones.

Thanks, this story inspired me to pay more attention to that for today’s plans.

Originally I agreed to overly complex logistics for a family activity because I know my ex doesn’t like to drive. But she agreed to simpler logistics that would save an hour on the schedule and save everyone else a lot of driving at the expense of her driving. This will be so much more enjoyable spending a little more time with my kid and not be in a rush to get everything done.

Yeah this is why I hate making plans, no one else puts in any effort into finding things to do or they don't want to pay for anything and then every outing becomes sitting in a bar shooting shit or going to a movie that either I don't care for or the others don't, I usually just do things by myself these days and I enjoy it a lot more, maybe someday I'll find friends with common interest I actually want to hang out with, for now I've become very comfortable being by myself

This is very normal. Especially if you don't have kids and some of your friends do, or if your work schedule isn't a standard 9 to 5 and all your friends are on that. Once your group gets bigger than 5 or 6 people, coordinating schedules is basically impossible.

Don't take it personally. It's likely nothing about trying to change your plans, but rather just trying to find some middle ground in the plans that works for everyone. Don't set your own expectations so high that anything that isn't perfect leaves you miserable.

You have 2 options: 1) As mentioned, just say at this time in this day you're doing something and anyone who wants to join is free to do so, knowing full well that some people will feel FOMO. 2) Try and do something and be fine with the plans changing to get the larger group, because that's the point, not the activity itself.

I am mostly unsure about what you consider friendship. From your description, they are a (big?) group of people that you meet once or twice a year and when you do you don’t enjoy it. At most, I would consider them acquaintances.

Try looking for connections in groups that tailor towards what you like. Join meetups and such on topics of your interest and try to scout for interesting people in there.

I don't have any shared hobbies or interests with any of my friends (and very few with my wife!) besides going somewhere, putting things in our mouths and yapping the day/night away. Idk, it never felt weird to me, but I might just be a bit of a boring guy since I mostly like reading, talking (IRL and online) and playing single-player videogames so it all fits for me?

It would be helpful to have an example (or more) of what you suggested and what ended up happening.

Other people have good advice, but I'm wondering if you are planning things which are a bit niche, or if your friends have strange interests, or if you find it difficult to enjoy normal activities.

There are lots of activities that people do that I'm not that interested in, but I'll go along anyway and still have a good time - it wouldn't be my first choice, and I'd be annoyed if my plans always got taken over in favour of them, but I wouldn't be "visibly miserable" doing something like this: for example, one time we ended up going out for "electric shuffle" (just shuffleboard which is electronically scored) which is pretty expensive for what it is, but whatever. The main attraction is being with friends and interacting, anyway.

I remember one time I planned a cycling trip and everyone I invited ended up doing something else (I can't remember what, but I remember distinctly it being something they could have done on any weekend). I was a bit miserable at that but still had a good time on my own.

I started doing things that I want, and if others join me, thats awesome, if noone comes along I'll just go alone. I've met a lot of new people this way and it has worked wonders on my social skills.

It allows me to get a lot of new experiences without the hassle of having some miserable being tagging along. And it gives me interesting stories to tell when I meet up with my long time friends. Some of them even want to join some of my adventures.

I don't have friends.

I find friends who enjoy the things I like to do??

Is inviting strangers an option, someone who is more into your (version of the) activity?