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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Odd-Appeal-6740 on 2025-07-03 13:05:57+00:00.

I pulled a muscle at the gym yesterday and remembered I had an old tube of pain relief cream, like that deep-heating menthol stuff. I applied it generously to my lower back, then plopped on the couch in my shorts, scrolling TikTok.

What I forgot is that I didn’t wash my hands.

Ten minutes later, I scratch an itch. You know the kind. The kind.

Within seconds, I felt the gates of hell open between my legs. My bits were on fire. Like someone dipped my downstairs in ghost pepper oil. I leapt off the couch, tore off my clothes, and ran to the bathroom.

I tried cold water. Made it worse. Tried baby wipes. So much worse. I was doing full lunges around the house, moaning like I was being exorcised.

Ended up using a bag of frozen peas and Googling “how to neutralize menthol burn on genitals.” Reddit came through, ironically.

Girlfriend came home to find me naked, panting, and cradling peas like I was breastfeeding them.

TL;DR: Didn’t wash my hands after applying muscle cream. Touched myself. Spent the next 45 minutes regretting every decision I’ve ever made.