I’m going to use an alt, this account, due to people I know using Lemmy.

I’m (19M) in a relationship. This isn’t exactly what my post is about but I have multiple things going on, including autism, PTSD, anxiety, bipolar, possible ADHD, and eating issues due to sensory overload.

I really feel like a bad fiancé and boyfriend mainly from my PTSD and bipolar. I need to talk to someone because I was even once thought to have BPD before they figured bipolar and PTSD, plus I already have autism which I heard can appear similar.

I’m trying to work on this intense fear I have of her abandoning me. I know she loves me, but my brain tries to think of reasons that she’s not thinking about me or going to leave me.

In school, I frequently got attached to other guys. If they did something, sometimes I’d get mad (like hanging out with someone else or saying “I’d do it later” or still having my middle school bully followed or something). I frequently went from very loving and kind towards them like they were my favorite person in the whole world to victimizing myself and thinking they want to betray me.

While I’m healing as an adult, I’m still in that pattern of thinking. I’m an adult, but I don’t want to continue acting like this after my brain fully develops, which it hasn’t yet. As of now, I have to take breaks from texting my fiancée because I don’t want to lash out and hurt her.

I’m really trying not to hurt her and affect her. I’m trying not to be as attached as I was in high school as a 15-year-old boy. One that thinks just because she’s watching a movie, she hates me and doesn’t want to talk to me. I, myself, watch movies to distract myself from that way of thinking.

I don’t want to be like this, so I’m working on it. A monster who abandons and hurts his girlfriend.

Back as a young teen, I freaked out when a guy friend didn’t text me. I texted him several times sometimes. I thought he was trying to avoid me if he spent time without me or was doing something else like I mentioned.

I got into a fight with this dude Nick once. He helped me with things, so I ended up thinking of him as my best friend. I felt so happy around him. I wanted to hold his hands. Both of them. I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me. He was my favorite person ever and I only wanted to spend time with him. He still had my ex Haley followed, though, so I got mad and (looking back) assumed he did that to get me mad because he was secretly “teaming up” with her. I called him a bad friend. We made up, but it still hurts that I would be like that to him.

I was very toxic even at age 13-14 where I would make up lies as to how my exes (while we were middle school dating) hated me and wanted to leave me and would cheat on me. I got better and went into stable friendships and now a stable relationship, but it’s why I see myself as a bad guy.

I’m trying to get better. I need comfort, please, not to be shamed. ❤️‍🩹