14
well shit. buckle up buttercups todays grovel novel sucks. never cried so much.
took the dexys for breakfast, felt so ready for war so I head to work, 3hrs of white knuckle being surrounded by about a million litres of wine in tank barrel n bottle, had the 247 AA meeting in my ear which helps me stay grounded, I realised I didn't want to drink, but it was only a matter of time. made a coffee, rolled a ciggie, deep breath and burst into tears. cannot do it. 15 years of working 140 diff wineries, drunk the entire time, had an absolute ball I adore working wineries.... while drunk. trying to do it sober at 96 days felt impossible, jane found me chainsmoking and crying, still sober just melting down. the dexys give me ultimate clarity. I could see the situation I'm in is fucked, and I'm going to fuck it all up and ruin my life yet again if I stayed. had good long look up and down my home winery looking at all the barrels tanks and my forklift, hurt so much probably last time I'll see inside. had to quit my job due to my alcoholism. finally admitted it, was in denial. don't even know yo ass is lying. I had no idea I was bullshitting myself, I was confident. haven't written up a resume in 15 years, when I started there in 2021 I told the boss, hey boss bottling sucks can I come work for you guys? sure drcatface we'll find something for you to do. then I crash my car after drinking 20 at work, the entire crew came to visit me in the hospital. how can we help, what can we do. they started breathalyzing me at the start and end of every shift, kept me outta trouble, couple times I busted but just put my hand up said sorry team I fucked up. sorry sorry sorry, doesn't mean shit from a practicing alcoholic. came home crying my eyes out, cuddled animals and sat in a hellfire hot shower for an hour. I've had you are my sunshine, my only sunshine stuck in my head since I left. about to get some weed so I can run away some more without drinking. just want mind blank. love you guys, stay tf away from alcohol.