this week's reading is The Quiet Damage: QAnon and the Destruction of the American Family
Had a panic attack Saturday night. I was deeply consumed by the fear that everyone in my life pretends to love me in order to receive my support and I will be dropped like a hot rock the minute I fall off the hamster wheel, which will probably be sooner rather than later given the imminent collapse of the U.S. economy.
I dunno though, it's kind of... Comforting, in a way? I can see that the light at the end of the tunnel is actually a train but once it hits, nobody's going to blame me for how I fell apart. Or, they will, but they'll be wrong.
I don't want everything I post here to be bad news. I'm a month and change in on HRT and my tits are already somewhere between D and F cups, and my hair's growing back in on top thanks to the finasteride and minoxidil. I already look way more androgynous than I did before, except for the beard.
Yay!!! I love that for you
Yay, boobies & locks!!
Do you think the HRT could be making the feelings you describe in your first comment more intense? Female puberty is often a tumultuous time emotionally until the brain acclimatises, even as it brings great relief and many satisfying changes, and fluctuating levels at any time can have a similar effect.
Be gentle to yourself, and try to do things you find comforting.
The thought crossed my mind but I've had panic attacks like that before, some a lot more severe and in public, mostly about how "this is the best I can do and it sucks and it only gets worse from here." Which, incidentally, ended up being mostly true due to external factors. Like I work a job I don't hate and make decent money but it's not enough because housing is unaffordable everywhere.
I think I'd be doing a lot better if the entire United States weren't staring down the barrel of yet another once-in-a-lifetime financial crisis. Like when are we ever not in crisis at this point?
We've hit the point where the economy is nakedly "we'll pay you way less than you're worth so more than half your income goes to other people who are already rich." It's a fucking scam.
Surviving.
Had a really nice weekend. Was going to a techno party with a friend but she also wanted to visit a friend for their birthday. So she invited me along to the birthday party before heading off to the party.
Everyone at the birthday party was super nice. It was very diverse group so I didn't get overwhelmed by my autistic anxiety and was able to mix right in. Played a few games and had a really nice time.
After that we went to the techno party and had a really nice time, mostly anyways. There was a guy that was trying to get with her and not taking the hint that she is gay. Tried getting in between us by thinking I was competition. Physically placing himself between us or blocking her line of sight to me. I made an effort to stay near her and visible to her which she seemed to really appreciate. After she finally shook him off, she gave me a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek in appreciation. I even asked her if she wanted help next time but she seemed fine dealing with him herself. Just seemed happy I was there and able to tell that I saw what was happening and was acknowledging what she usually has to deal with.
Spent the morning and afternoon afterwards at her place chilling, talking and her showing me a bunch of stuff that she enjoyed sharing. We are so opposite of each other but are also so accepting of each other and our own flaws. Such a relaxed and easy going friendship and I'm so happy to have met her.
First rave I went to, with a dormmate, was mostly techno (as defined in 1997) with some HHC. Those tend to be pretty chill folks, which one might be surprised by, given the energy of the music. I still felt completely out of place, and she promised she'd take me to a better rave.
It would be another two years until I went to another party. Said dormmate came back from Texas for the summer and got me fully into the rave scene. I was at a bar a few months later in Victoria, B.C., where my girlfriend's abusive ex accosted her. Only time I've fully sobered up instantly, just to get her out of there.
I had quite a few pleasant party experiences, but when shit goes south, it's not a gradual process. In my experience, it's been 0-60 in less time than it takes for Elon to go to 1939.
But it sounds like you've made a good friend. As to the one who got me into all this? She was the opposite ... looked dyke as fuck but was actually straight ... just more interested in being a catalyst than a partner.
What you have in common takes a back seat to whether you get along in any situation. Looking after each other is what matters; you did that; and she noticed and appreciated it. Lean into and appreciate these moments.
I tend to stick to smaller warehouse techno parties, they seem to keep out a lot of people who go to clubs to be showy rather than enjoying the music. I find the vibe to be overall more enjoyable.
I'm not too worried for my friend, she goes to parties and metal shows by herself all the time. I know she can handle herself. I think more than anything, she is just happy to have a safe person nearby.
This isn't something unknown to me, I've helped so many other women that have come and gone in my life with creepy or manipulative men. It's really nice when my friends show appreciation for me being there for them. I'd much rather spend my time being with them in the moment though.
I'm sure things are different now, but in my time, the sparkle ponies didn't really bother with clubs; they went to the warehouse gigs, tiny Pikachu backpacks and all.
Clubs were actually far more -- for lack of a better term -- vanilla (not that people weren't having sex in the washrooms). People just dressed in comfortable clothing in which to dance. The binkies came out at the larger parties.
I ended up with a few friends who were DJs, one of whom introduced me to a house I'd move into shortly after. House (and I mean the genre) parties in the basement happened weekly. It was a pretty cool setup ... want to dance? Go downstairs. If not? Couldn't really hear anything from my room on the second floor.
I spent more than my fair share of nights meeting women (almost always visiting from out of state and getting on a plane in the morning), chatting with them for a few hours and then having to help fend creepy guys off. That said, I was probably the creepy guy myself sometimes, as I still have shockingly little social awareness of my actions.
I took the opportunity in around 2016-2017 to live in Germany for a year on a work and travel visa. As the name implies, I was allowed to live and work in Germany as a way to support myself while I stay in Europe. I chose to stay in Berlin.
During the first couple weeks I went out with a couple people I met in my hostel. Went to a club that was this tiny, cramped little hole under a bridge called Golden Gate. First time being at a techno party ever. The vibe was so chill, the music was amazing and it was very obvious the people there were just for the music.
It felt so comfortable. I ended up going to so many different clubs and parties during my time there. Honestly one of the best years of my life and I'm grateful I had the opportunity to go.
I'm pretty autistic and loud noises really shut down the social part of my brain. I usually spend my time dancing and enjoying the music by myself in the crowd.
It must show because so many people come to dance by me, women especially. I never really say a word but the company is nice either way. Multiple times, women who were being bothered by guys would come dance by me so that the annoying guys will go away. Which is fine by me, even without saying a word, I can help people and it still feels good to me. I'm sure they appreciate it too because I assume they are there for the music too.
My semester in Germany was in a midsized city in Niedersachsen (you've likely heard of it ... guy with a flute drowned the kids a while back) with all of one Disko. It was 1995, and I was 16, so there may have been house parties in town, but my classmates in Gymnasium weren't privy to them.
The music at the Sumpfblume was unremarkable. Basically angry metal.
I went to my first regional burn last year and found my flow state for the first time in decades. I danced my ass off at various house and trance camps, oblivious to the outside world at times, and people started coming up to me because of it. It was an amazing experience that made me feel like a kid again -- if I'd been on that many drugs as a kid!
I'm recovering from a cold, which is nice. As much as it feels bad, it feels great knowing each day is going to improve. I've been trying to find a cosy slice of life manga or something to read the past while. I feel like I should be reading more!
I've been playing the oblivion remake. It's nice to revisit the game after so long. It's cool because although I put in hundreds of hours in as a kid, I don't remember a lot of it now. So it's exciting to have my memory jolted every once an a while lol
I spent most of today cooking, which was nice. And the oven kept the house warm, especially as us in the Southern Hemisphere head into winter.
Ordered dirt, company delivered landscaping rocks, they apologized, we laughed, they laughed, the rocks didn't laugh. Our garden beds are now filled with a compost/topsoil blend, just need to plant stuff.
Whole family got together for mothers day up in Michigan and had a great time. We had an extra person to give gifts to which is exciting.
The error sounds like a good time in aggregate.
Finished reading The Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein about 20 years late
I feel like there's some distinct through lines from there to where we are now, but my head cold is getting in the way of any coherent thought.
Picked up books seven and eight of the wheel of time to recover, should be some much lighter reading
A bit of a mixed bag. I had posted awhile ago about a job I was supposed to hear back about on the 9th. Well the principal there submitted my name to HR, and they got back to him and told him that actually he can't hire anyone from out of district yet, and they weren't able to give him a definite answer to how much longer he needs to leave the job open for in district hires. So I applied for more jobs this past weekend, and I have another interview lined up for next week, but it's frustrating because I already know that I like this school and they like me. Also I'm getting over being sick and it's taking my voice forever to fully recover, so that's annoying.
But the choir I've been singing with for years had our end of year party last night, and they gave me a really wonderful send off, so that was really nice. And I'm going to see Rilo Kiley tonight and am very much looking forward to that!
That QAnon book is really great, I read it a few months ago. The book gives more variety to how QAnon thought destroys families in how the backgrounds are different and not all families have a happy ending where the QAnon-infected family member suddenly becomes a totally normal and grounded person. It also gives good insight on how cults like QAnon attract people who have gotten themselves into a personal crisis and who may get rattled by other significant events such as the COVID-19 pandemic.
I just read ''The Politics of Bitcoin: Software as Right-Wing Extremism'' by David Golumbia. The book analyzes really well the ideological roots and assumptions that are baked in Bitcoin and cryptocurrency in general. It also debunks many of the arguments crypto-enthusiasts make. Even though I have invested in various cryptocurrencies, I find the crypto community icky because of its general right-wing libertarian sentiment. I don't view crypto as money, more like gambling with a volatile asset.
What else? Got a new SSD for my laptop server and restored my backups into it. A little bit of tinkering and now I am again syncing my files with Nextcloud.
That book sounds interesting. Does it talk about the concept of "trustless" finance? Because that always seemed like a self-contradictory approach to money/trade.
I don't remember that concept being talked about in the book.
I continue making zero progress on either finding a job or assistance getting the van in driveable condition. The laptop is at least reliably charging again, but the remote for my lighting is still missing, and god only knows where in this mess my wallet is, meaning I can't replace it (a $7 kit) because Walmart doesn't accept tap to pay.
All of this is somewhat on the back burner because we have a heat wave starting tomorrow expected to produce the highest temperatures ever recorded in May. So not just daily records; straight out climate change in action.
The fan I have above the bed does its level best, but past around 95F, I have to take my shirt off so it becomes an evaporative cooler, and it's still miserable. That's also about the point where my laptop overheats and shuts down. I have an ice pack in the "freezer" to hold against it, but that's not willing to go below about 50F anymore, so it's of limited value compared with a 0F one.
We're supposed to hit 105F on Wednesday -- which is August weather. So I do not have high hopes for what this week brings.
Quick folo: The friend who let me ride out the cold snap in his garage in February ... is letting me ride out this heat wave in his garage. Wasn't my first choice, but apparently despite gunning for liver failure, I retain some sense of self-preservation.
I nearly passed out from heat exhaustion yesterday in the van and realized I had to make the call.
There is an amazing Pink Floyd cover band in Albuquerque called Pink Freud. I might have seen them for the last time tonight. I'm not sure what to do with that.
Do they at least slip?
Any recs for a Lemmy/Beehaw client app? What do yall call this corner of the Fediverse anyway? Just Lemmy or...?
I use Jerboa and it works just fine for me, but I honestly haven't bothered to compare it with others. This is Beehaw, a lovely corner of Lemmy.
I’m a dinosaur, I run out of DDG browser. Not ideal, but it works for me so i don’t care.
ETA: it’s beehaw, it’s chill.
Mlem is great!
Site works just fine in a browser. You should already have chrome or Firefox or safari or mull or... Take a pick. Otherwise for a specific app On android Id recommend Voyager.
In getting crushed psychologically right now. My wife is battling leukemia and now my puppy has a broken leg.
I seriously don’t know what to do next. I’m literally getting fucking destroyed here.
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