Nuke it from orbit.

Goddamn it, Joker

I would tie a really really long string to the lever and attach the string to a large bird and then scare it into flying away. Then I would eat some delicious Heinz Baked Beans

And where are their arms and legs?

Yell to the other lever dude that I'm not pulling the lever but fuck those beige dudes, hope they can't tell i'm lying, run and lay down with the beige dudes, and if I'm lucky they pull their lever too and we get maximum carnage. If lever dude suspects I'm lying and insane, and thus doesn't pull their lever, at least I won't have to answer my loved ones' questions.

Jokes on you, No loved ones, so who cares if you pull the lever or not, go have a frothy instead.

you find some third way thats not the bad outcomes that are suggested. Theres always possibilities in life and people who say there are not are generally trying to coerce you.

pull my gun, kill the other person and move the lever, as far i can know that person is the one this whole thing upfamily up

looking at the junction points on that diagram only one side of the axle would change track if the switch was pulled resulting in a derailment so you could ignore the possibility of hitting the people in the middle thereby reducing this example to two parallel but unconnected trolley problems

i choose to kill whoever calls them trolleys and not trams

What do I do? I introduce myself to the other person, then we go out for drinks, then we fuck all night.

We no longer give a shit about the assholes on the tracks.

Give the loved ones guns

Philosphers really just go "imagine how fucked up it would be if..." and then take it incredibly seriously

easy pull both levers

Please learn how to draw basic sketches of railway switches. It's not that hard.

The last line of these is always what the poster wants to happen

everything else is skewed rationale to make you think it is a funny

it is, in reality, anti-intellectual propaganda