Relationship Advice

I mean, he's got to be free to live his life and make his mistakes like anyone should be able to.

And you need to bail now instead of later. This is a fundamental incompatibility. It isn't something that can be talked away, or compromised on.

While he's free to make his choices, he lied, multiple times. That's worse than what he was lying about. If you're going to be ina relationship with someone that has disclosed their deal breakers clearly, up front, you don't just hide things. You be an adult, and be up front that you don't agree to that restriction, and you wish the other person well as you walk away.

That isn't easy, necessarily, but it's the only healthy and respectful choice for both parties.

You are not overreacting. Doesn't matter what specific dealbreaker was ignored and lied about, home boy should have said no at the beginning like an adult. He needs time to explore, and grow up, and that time needs to be without you.

You need and deserve a partner/boyfriend/SO that will be honest.

Again, not easy, nobody likes a breakup. But it really is that simple.

Yeah, you're overreacting a little, but more importantly, you can't control him, nor should you want to. His decision to use drugs is his alone. What you can control is your involvement in the situation.

Listen. You probably love this guy a lot, but he's not giving you what you need at this point in your life:

1. He's too depressed to interact in the ways you need and the result is that he's neglecting you (also, is he even trying to tackle his depression in any meaningful way? Therapy, medication, etc?)
2. He's making objectively poor decisions (fucking meth, ffs!)
3. He lives too far away for a viable day-to-day relationship
4. He's not honest with you
5. He's distant and pushing you away

And your reactions aren't healthy. You're upset that he's doing things you don't approve of, and you say:

I would never do things i know he doesnt like for fun

but this isn't how healthy adult relationships work. You are too entangled and you're blurring the lines between his preferences and yours.

You can't fix him. Think of this relationship like a broken vending machine. You put your dollar in, but it doesn't give you the snack you're trying to buy. So you put another dollar in, but your snack still doesn't come out. How many dollars do you feed the machine before you accept that it's broken? The analogy here is that you can pour all the love and caring you want into this relationship, but it isn't leading to the result you want. You're in a relationship but still deeply lonely, and your partner is doing things that actively cross a line with you. Don't keep wasting your emotional energy.

At this point, staying with him because you've been together for nearly 3 years is a sunk cost fallacy. It's really unlikely that things will improve with him at this point, and staying together just keeps you stuck in a bad situation, preventing you from finding someone who actually meets your needs.

You know you ought to break up with him. You can still care about him from afar, but you need to disentangle from him. He is his own responsibility, not yours. And it's OK to be single for a while! I would urge you not to jump into another relationship straight away. Right now, unhealthy relationship patterns are normal for you, so you should take time to process and recover, don't just rebound. This will help you find a healthy, mature partner when you do start dating again. And you deserve a fulfilling, healthy relationship!

Good luck!

OP makes these posts. That to put it in the most polite way possible; dont seem to have any basis in fact.

Then they refuse to take anyone's advice, delete the the thread (they leave the comments), then a few weeks later makes another unbelievable post.

Like, OP if any of anything you've ever typed is true, and every time every response is:

You're basically children, just break up

Why the fuck do you bother staying together and then make new posts like you give a single fuck what anyone is going to tell you?

Because to be honest I think you're just making stories up, but at this point that's the only option that makes you look good.

I'm just blocking now tho, these aren't getting any better.

This is fucked up and you need to get out of that relationship ASAP. LSD and meth just to get through work? That's insane. At 21, you leaving him might be the wakeup call he needs. But if you stay with him, your own sanity plus most likely future are on the line. Save yourself.

He crossed your boundaries and being involved with people who are getting involved with meth is no fun.

I’d suggest you walk away and go no contact because things are going to get messy.

First, dump his ass, and dump him fast. He’s on a sharp downward trajectory and you don’t want to be there for that.

Second, there’s a bit in your post that could be read in a way that suggests you oppose the use of prescription medication. If that’s the case, you might want to address that sooner rather than later.

As you are both quite young, I hope this doesnt come across as patronising but there are a few points in what you have said there that I think would be constructive to address. But take my opinion/advice however you will!

Firstly, the most difficult one. You mentioned that he went to Netherlands and tried weed and mushrooms, he's young, it's his decision if he wants to experiment with those experiences, your comment that you "thought you made yourself clear" sounds quite controlling, and I would suggest reflecting on those impulses (I know they come from a positive place!) And ensuring that communication and compromise with partners in future is key to a healthy relationship. Likewise, if a partner wanted to control or limit your experiences in life. This may be worded poorly, but point is I would reflect on where these emotions and behaviours may be coming from within yourself and address this moving forward.

With that our of the way, the REAL issue here. My assumption would be that this is an immature person, who was not quite ready enough to handle the experiences of these drugs and has become quickly addicted to the high and the escapism, with no impulse control over himself or his actions. In some ways, it can be beneficial to have these experiences in life now when young, as opposed to later, however, that is only if he can find a healthy way out. Judging by his experimenting with meth, I would say he's likely past the point of being able to do that without proper medical assistance and counselling.

BUT, that said, HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX. It is not your fault. He is living his life the way he has chosen, and that does not align with your morals and values. You absolutely 100% should break up with him, ensuring that you put across that this is not what you are looking for in a partner, set your boundaries, express your concern for his wellbeing, and request that if he is not going to seek professional help then to be careful and safe. But after that, wipe the slate clean and move on.

Yes, it's extremely difficult emotionally, and you may feel like you are abandoning him, but you are not. He has made his choices and they have diverted from yours and he is, once again, not your responsibility!

Better that way, in the hopes that he sees the error of his ways sooner and seeks help, because the alternative is you being dragged down with him. You need to be clear, firm, and set your boundaries that it is over, and BREAK CONTACT FOR AT LEAST 6 MONTHS. Do not get caught in the spiral, look after yourself and stay healthy!

He clearly cannot handle his depression and needs to go stationary for therapy.

What ever you decide, know that he probably won't come off from meth. My best friend started using and I am kind of happy we do not live in the same country. He stays sober for weeks or even months. But then the inevitable happens again. He is probably better off than others, managing his addiction. But his depressions getting worse with every episode. That shit just fucks a brain.

Personally I think it is difficult to leave people who need help. But your relationship might have to change to something different for your own sanity's sake. He needs to choose to get help, and you need to make sure to take the space you need. I had to learn that by a very hard way.

Good look, to you, and your friend. Just know., he is sick. Not a bad person. But then you can only do limited things to help.

Aside from him lying to you and breaking your boundaries, he's quite clearly on a phase where he's trying harder and harder things. Trying weed and mushrooms in Amsterdam is one thing, but more than likely he was doing those before and went there on a drug holiday. Taking LSD the way he is probably isn't healthy either, but escalating to meth is another thing entirely.

He's not going to get better on his current track, no matter what you do. You need to cut him lose before he cheats on you with a meth head (if he isn't already, we've already established he's a liar).

The methamphetamine could be a problem.

You owe it to yourself, and only to yourself, to walk away.
Immediately and quickly.

This is not your burden to bear.

tried meth (since then he hasn‘t been able to eat or sleep and he told me that it‘s because of his depression

😳

At first he tried to blame me for my reaction "that‘s why i can‘t tell u things like this“ and "you don‘t understand how i feel“.

Gas lighting BS.

and now he‘s telling me that he hates sober life.

Girl, that's something he needs to work out himself. This is something he needs therapy over and it's a huge giant red ass flag for him not being ready for a relationships.

I know i should break up but i need someone to tell me if this is fucked up or if i am just overreacting because i don‘t have anyone to confide in right now.

This is super fucked up and WAY MORE than enough reason to break up. Not to punish him but to protect yourself. Do you truly want to spend the next period of your life wondering if he was doing drugs three hours away? With that sort or commute you'll be constantly forced to worry and wonder, this is such a massive breach of trust. Don't fall for a sunk cost guilt trip, spending good years after bad with him hoping he improves will only breed resentment. Y'all don't even have a basic framework of trust right now.

And I know this is a cliche and you're an adult. But God 21 is still young, don't waste time with Meth heads when you could be spending it with someone who respects, understands and cares about your boundaries.

GL Hon. I'm so sorry this is happening.

I'm not a therapist or anything, so don't weigh my words too heavily.

I feel that if you ~~truly love~~ care about him, then you will do what you can to get him out of using drugs, such as treatment and therapy for the depression.

On that same note, if he ~~truly loves~~ cares about you, he will listen and seek the help he needs.

It doesn't sound like an easy situation, being so far away, but something needs to be done at this point. [Edit] whether that be him getting clean or you leaving to focus on yourself.

Psychedelica are very useful in cases of depression, PTSD and such. Methamphetamine is a stimulant that, I can imagine, makes it easier for a depressed person to get to work.

All in all it's not a sustainable situation to be in but since you live in the US he probably has no other choice than to keep it up -that- way.

To make the situation more sustainable:

• regulate the use of psychedelics into a medical treatment rather an coping mechanism, a single very high dose once a week is all it takes for a therapeutic effect
• switch from methamphetamine to dextroamphetamine, which is basically an ADHD medication. Still potent, but non-toxic. Maybe check for ADHD if your boyfriend isn't getting energy from it but rather feels relaxed and resilient.

Work from there once the situation has stabilized and a constructive plan for the future has been built.

Get out of that relationship. Run, don't walk! There are tons red flags here and you will only find unhappiness. Using the "I don't have anyone but him" excuse is bullshit. I know making friends is hard but you need to make friends. If he is jealous of that, then that's another red flag

Life is short and there billions of other people out there. YOU are NOT going to fix him. Why? because people will only change because they want to change. That includes you.

You are an adult and you have all the free will in world to make your own decisions but I can guarantee that if you stick with this POS, then you WILL regret it later. It will hurt to break up with him and be alone for a bit, but that pain is temporary. You will be in far greater pain over the years if you stick with this guy. You will meet more and better people and you deserve a better life than what you will have if you stick with this person. He does not value you, despite what he says. His actions speak louder than words.

As someone else said, walk away and go no contact.

I'm not subbed to this thread and stumbled onto it on c/all. I remember threads like these on R*ddit and the responses seem similar: "just leave". I don't see how that's helping. I understand your pain. And what he did is incredibly severe. I really hope he sees his mistake. If he does and apologises I think you can offer him help. Take him to seek professional attention and by the sounds of it a new job. It might help to share with him the severity and the repercussions if things don't improve. Don't get me wrong, he crossed a line. But if you're willing to fight for him and your relationship I believe these steps might help. Be careful and tighten your boundaries.