this post was submitted on 17 Jun 2024
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Microblog Memes

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[–] [email protected] 272 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (8 children)

A guy came into the ER with a teacup up his ass.

The doctor asked how it happened.

The doctor said, in the writing where I was reading about this whole event: “What followed was a long and startling story that I immediately regretted asking for.”

[–] [email protected] 155 points 4 months ago (1 children)

See, this is why it's important to buy teacups with flared bases.

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[–] [email protected] 98 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (4 children)

yeah right, he was probably cleaning the kitchen, slipped and fell on it, just like everyone else.

[–] [email protected] 78 points 4 months ago (1 children)

That’s pretty much exactly what he said, he just took a long time to say it, which was what led to the deep, deep regret on the part of the doctor. He was dusting up on a ladder, drinking tea, totally naked, and then he fell, and oh no look what has happened now.

[–] [email protected] 59 points 4 months ago (5 children)

There's a montage from Scrubs where a bunch of people claim "I fell on it" that ends in the last guy shrugging and saying, "I was bored."

I respect the fuck out of the last guy.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 4 months ago (1 children)

I really don't get it. The only answer that question needs is just look the doctor in the eye and ask, "do I really need to explain?"

I don't know for sure, but I feel like the overwhelming majority of doctors would just nod and say "got it," and then get on with their work.

[–] [email protected] 29 points 4 months ago (10 children)

Knowing how an injury happened can let them know to look for something you might not have considered. For example, if you come in with a broken arm and tell them you fell off a ladder, they might poke around to see if you broke anything else. If you really did wind up with something forcefully shoved in an orifice, they would want to pay careful attention for tears and such.

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[–] [email protected] 31 points 4 months ago (1 children)
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[–] [email protected] 23 points 4 months ago (1 children)

"If that ever happens, you need two things and two things quickly: a pair of ice tongs and a friend who can keep a secret."

-Dave Attell

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[–] [email protected] 22 points 4 months ago (6 children)

Where else would I put my tea bag

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[–] [email protected] 71 points 4 months ago (2 children)

Just cut off the penis, remove the ring and then reattach the penis. Do I have to do everyone's job around here?

[–] [email protected] 14 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Slap a summer sausage in the middle there for extra length and it's win-win

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[–] [email protected] 65 points 4 months ago (2 children)

It appears the market has spoken, thus you must clearly upgrade your ring cutting equipment.

That is, unless the poor sap acquired the titanium ring from Boeing or Airbus' supplier. Then maybe you can use kindergarten stubby scissors.

[–] [email protected] 46 points 4 months ago (2 children)

Hospitals will generally have ring cutters like this:

Picture of a pizza-cutter like implement with an arm underneath the serrated cutting wheel.

They are hand powered and very cost effective for gold and silver rings. Diamond tipped cutters usually need something like a Dremel to power them. They look something like this:

Picture of a ring cutter similar to the one above but it has an electric screwdriver like attachment to power the wheel..

They are much more expensive compared to hand powered ones, and pose a higher risk to a patient so they would require additional training to use it, which is another extra cost.

[–] [email protected] 58 points 4 months ago (4 children)

Also, ummm, titanium gets hot. Like all metal gets hot when you cut it, that's just how friction works.

But titanium is gummy.

When we cut steel it makes a nice clean chip until the tool is dull, then it'll make ugly chips.

When we cut aluminum or copper, we have to use tools with fewer teeth so they don't get clogged up with chips. This is fine because these materials are so soft and we can run cutting speeds so high that having fewer teeth isn't a big deal.

But titanium is both gummy, in that it wants lots of space between cuts because it'll clog up teeth, and very hard, in that it wants lots of teeth making smaller cuts.

It's also a shit conductor. Aluminum and copper will whisk away heat. Titanium gets hot and stays that way.

So your titanium jewelry, wherever applied, that needs to be cut off of you, will need a diamond saw, which isn't really a cutting tool, it's an abrasive one. Meaning it works through aggressive, point blank friction.

My point is if you smash your titanium cock ring on, it's going to not only require a very uncomfortable proximity to a power tool to remove it, it's going to absolutely burn the fuck out of your dick.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 4 months ago

Fascinating! However, the fire department (or whoever is your local IDR unit) will almost certainly run coolant while cutting a ring off of anyone.

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[–] [email protected] 25 points 4 months ago (2 children)

Just want to add that we're talking about a tool that can be used to remove rings stuck on any appendage, not just cocks.

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[–] [email protected] 58 points 4 months ago (6 children)

Great. Now I feel guilty about my Father's Day gift.

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[–] [email protected] 47 points 4 months ago (5 children)

If you wanna cut the circulation off to your wang, just hold it tighter. That way you can just let go and not need to go to the hospital.

[–] [email protected] 29 points 4 months ago

I’m already holding a sandwich and a drink. Are you expecting me to put one down to hold my wang?

[–] Squirrel 26 points 4 months ago (6 children)

Silicone is easy enough to remove.

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[–] [email protected] 25 points 4 months ago (1 children)

They make rubber rings for this for people with ED. You don't have to cause yourself injury.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

They make rubber rings for this for people ~~with ED~~ who want rock hard boners

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[–] [email protected] 42 points 4 months ago (1 children)

And they’ll charge you out the ass for it.

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[–] [email protected] 32 points 4 months ago (8 children)

So it's rubber/silicone only then or is there another metallic option? Asking for me.

[–] [email protected] 19 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Well I think as it relates to fingers, precious metals are fine. Generally soft enough that cutting isn’t an issue.

[–] [email protected] 33 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (4 children)

Who the hell has golden cock ring kind of cash ^and do they want to be friends?^

[–] [email protected] 20 points 4 months ago (3 children)

I love that even after millennia of human society and culture, I still regularly run into comments that make me think, "Yeah, that's the first time anyone has ever said that."

[–] [email protected] 15 points 4 months ago

But definitely not the first golden cock ring

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[–] [email protected] 12 points 4 months ago (12 children)

Gold and silver are safe. Lead is dangerous for completely unrelated reasons. Cupric alloys are probably safe assuming you aren’t allergic. Speaking of allergic you can definitely do nickel if you’re completely not allergic to it. Aluminum should be safe.

Under no circumstances should you try tungsten.

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[–] [email protected] 32 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Dude, try ice and lotion first >_<

[–] [email protected] 27 points 4 months ago (4 children)

I misread that as "dry ice"

[–] [email protected] 16 points 4 months ago

Well if trying to get the ring off doesn't send you to the hospital, that probably will.

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[–] [email protected] 31 points 4 months ago (7 children)

I've worked or volunteered for 4 different fire departments. Zero of them had any sort of diamond cutter anything that could be used for this.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 4 months ago (4 children)

I own a diamond wheel for my dremel that will eventually gum its way through titanium.

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[–] [email protected] 19 points 4 months ago (3 children)

That’s horrifying. At least with finger rings they can use the dental floss trick.

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[–] [email protected] 15 points 4 months ago (1 children)

What if that's their kink?

[–] [email protected] 50 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (2 children)

Pretty bad, because the medics and firefighters didnt concent to be part of it.

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[–] [email protected] 14 points 4 months ago

I'm call BS. Titanium isn't really very strong (about the same as copper when pure, while specialist Ti alloys are about halfway between aluminium and generic steel). People use titanium when they want something metal which is pretty strong but very lightweight. As an aside, it has pretty meh ductility for a metal and would make a poor bulletproof material, so David Guetta got that wrong too

[–] [email protected] 13 points 4 months ago (1 children)

your username shines in a new light after reading this.

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[–] [email protected] 13 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Just use a zip tie. Don’t forget to trim the excess at a nice angle.

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